An Open Letter to Men – Insecurity and “Bitchassness” in Male/Female Relationships Affects Everyone…




This is the first of a three part series regarding the Male/Female Relationship.  This entry is an open letter to Men, the second is an open letter to Women and the third is an open letter to Men and Women who want a productive and fulfilling relationship.

DISCLAIMER: This is a very “touchy” and adult subject.  Some men may have hurt feelings or take offense to what I’m saying here – if that’s the case, I will apologize in advance.  I have taken my years of conversations, experiences and observations with men and with women about men to create this letter.  This letter does not reflect a single encounter, again, it is based on a wide array of encounters.  The following is just “real talk” from the way I see things.  Additionally, this is an adult blog entry with profanity.

Dear Bruhs,

What’s up?  I know some of you personally, some of you as acquaintances and I have not had the opportunity to meet many of you at the time of preparing this letter.  To all of you who have defied the odds (regarding Black Men) by being a productive member of society, educated in many cases and furthering yourselves, I applaud you as many people in society will not give you that credit.  It is my observation that our communities are suffering more and more for a myriad of reasons – all too broad to discuss in this one letter.  I can say that part of the issue in our community stems from our unhealthy relationships with women.

From the beginning of time men have been accused and guilty of being liars, cheaters, ill-tempered (even abusive), unable to properly communicate and many other things.  Again, this letter is by no means the forum to discuss every challenge that befalls men and more specifically, Black Men.  I can say that I have had the opportunity to know, date, befriend and converse with many, many women over the past 20+ years.  It is through my relationships (friend and dating) with women that I really get to learn a lot about my Black Brothers.  Additionally, I would have to say that many of you Bruhs have been pretty honest in “telling on yourselves”, but its really through conversations with other women that I get “the scoop.”

It is through these conversations, relationships and encounters with women that I have come to see that there are two divisions of men (as it relates specifically to this letter.)  There is the secure, directed and “well put together” brother and there is the brother that suffers from bitchassness and insecurity.  It is my observation over the past 5 years that there has been a HUGE upsurge in these two increasingly pervasive issues when it comes to men: bitchassness and insecurity.  I know that we as men have egos and rarely want to see a “lesser” form of ourselves, so let me help you in identifying if you have been or are guilty of bitchassness or insecurity.

The Urban Dictionary defines bitchassness (a word created by P. Diddy) as:

“newly discovered disease running rampant, especially in the black community.

symptoms include:

1.punkish tendencies
2. cattiness, such as talking behind someone’s back
3. thinking highly of yourself, but only expressing it under your breath
4.claiming “hurt feelings” when you are called out on your bullshit”

In addition to this definition, I would state that specifically for the purposes of this letter that going through a woman’s personal possessions (i.e. phone log, text messages, email, purse – anything that’s not yours) is the epitome of bitchassness.  Along with these actions is being passive aggressive.  Passive aggressive would simply be not directly addressing issues that you have with a woman and creating more issues by being, well, a bitch ass.

That’s only half of the problem, the other is insecurity.  I have had girlfriends, I’ve been married and I have had the opportunity to date a wide range of women.  I think that this would give me an opportunity to display insecurity at some point in my life.  So Bruhs, if you want to know if you’re insecure, here is a list of questions (or any form of the question) that may qualify you as insecure if you’ve ever asked them to a woman:

  • “Where are you going?” (other form “Where were you?”)
  • “Who are you going with?”
  • “When are you coming back?”
  • “Why don’t you wear something less revealing?”
  • “Who was that on the phone?”
  • “Who was that guy over there you were talking to?”
  • “Who is he and what it is he to you?”

I am very proud to say that in my 20+ years of dating (or being a husband) that I have NEVER asked a woman these questions.  Why not, because it was either none of my business, people are entitled to have their own lives and in the case of the revealing clothes – if she had “great cleavage”, sexy legs or anything outwardly appealing when I met her it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask her to start being “less appealing” because she’s in my life now.

By now Bruhs, you should get the picture.  Of course this is not an all-inclusive list of questions that the insecure brother asks and you can get the varieties of how these questions are asked without me doing it for you.  The important thing is that men have been insecure since the beginning of time because of our “fragile egos”, but insecurity is now ramping up to an all-time high.

Women are the ones who normally have the qualities of curious, intuition and suspicion associated with them.  I am by no means condoning poor behavior or actions on the part of women (i.e. going through a man’s phone or private possessions.)  I am more so saying that this is behavior more associated with a woman than with a man.  Let me give you a hand Bruh, leave all the suspicions and “girl-like” behavior to the women – grab your nuts and get your shit together.

Now, let me state, there are a fair number of women who are “doing dirt” and it’s not like there isn’t a fair space for speculation.  To be even more frank about it, there are some “shady ass” women out here and women will tell you that there are a lot of women that are up to “no good.”  The primary point that I’m making is that men should handle issues like a man, not like a woman.  There is no amount of “shadiness” or suspicion about a woman that should ever make a man resort to handling any issue in the way that a woman would.  There are always two sides to a story, but again, nothing should reduce a man to handling situations anyway other than like a man.  This bitchassness has got to stop or at least be identified because simply stated – it’s not a “good look” at all.

Let me explain to you what you’re doing my man.  You’re trying to control somebody else (mainly your woman) because you have no self control.  You’re trying to manipulate someone else’s “way of doing things” because of issues that you have within yourself.  The biggest and probably worst part of it is that your woman (if she loves you) really wants to respect you.  Well, I hate to break it to you, but every time you display your bitchassness by not handling things like a man or you display insecurity you are losing more and more of her respect.  It’s no different than putting stricter rules on a teenager who isn’t doing anything wrong, the more you stifle them, the more they don’t like you and the more they will rebel.

With that being the case, you brothers who display these bitch ass tendencies and insecurities become your own biggest problem.  You are creating your own world where you will never be fulfilled and by brow beating, dominating or manipulating a woman you will never get where you are trying to go – it only creates tension, resentment and the lack of real love and compassion in the relationship – that’s in the case that you even want a “real relationship.”

The worst part about it Bruhs is that the overwhelming majority of you who are displaying some degree (or a large degree) of bitchassness or insecurity are guilty of not handling your business in the relationship.  It’s a fact that there are some women that are simply out for themselves and it doesn’t matter what you do for them or to them, they will simply not be a good fit for you.  HOWEVER, there is a large contingency of women who believe in you, want you to succeed, want the best for you, but you don’t give them the support that they need in order for them to do what’s right for you.

You may ask how does that work.  C’mon Bruhs, let’s not play stupid.  The majority of men that participate in insecurity and bitch ass actions are the ones who are not willing to step up to the plate fully and handle your end of the business in the relationship.  In other cases you guys emotionally neglect or even mistreat your women and your bitch ass tendencies or insecurities arise because you know by all rights that your girl shouldn’t want to put up with your half-ass approach to the relationship.  She might say that it’s not her fault for loving you, but I would disagree and say that it is her fault, but that’s a topic for another letter.

I could go on and on about bitchassness and insecurity because it has really spun out of control.  I’ll just say that there are a lot of ways that you can “look bad” to your woman, but this is probably the worst way that you could because your actions are so woman-like that she honestly sees you as less of a man every time you do these things whether she tells you to your face or not.  I just thought that you should know.

I have to admit that there is a somewhat selfish reason that I have for reaching out to my brothers who display bitch ass qualities and insecurities.  Earlier I said that there are two types of guys for the purpose of this letter – the second guy is the “well put together” guy who is secure.  I would put myself in this category.  So what’s the selfish reason?  Well, you insecure Bruhs with these bitch ass tendencies are making it hard for the guys without all of these issues to have good relationships with single women because of all of the bullshit that you’ve taken them through with your games, manipulation and insecurities.

Now, let me say this, I am not saying that ALL issues with men/women relationships stem from the insecure man, not at all.  However, you are a healthy contributor Bruh.  Women get so confused, so disheartened and so discontent by all the shit that you’ve heaped on them that by time they get to sit down and have a conversation with a brother who doesn’t have these qualities they have a hard time discerning whether we are the real deal or if they’re sitting with our “representative” the same way that they sat with your “representative” before all of your skeletons and bitch ass tendencies came out.

I can’t say it any plainer than letting you know my brother, you’re messing up the situation for everybody not just yourself.

I’ll conclude by saying that I don’t expect for all of my brothers with these insecurities and tendencies to change overnight for the benefit of the secure brothers and the sisters who really don’t deserve what you’re doing.  However, as the old saying goes “knowing is half the battle.”  I think that its time that the conversation on how to create a better climate for relationships starts with us addressing our own issues.  Sisters can tell us things until we’re blue in the face.  Maybe hearing it from one of our own may bring a greater awareness or at least start the conversation in order to minimize this behavior or at least stop the rampant progression of it.

In the end, I want to congratulate my secure brothers for hanging in there and enduring all the frustrations that come with the climate that the insecure brother creates and the aftermath of his failed relationships with his “female victims.”  To the insecure brother with less than desirable tendencies, it’s not too late to change your ways.  I believe that you want to be fulfilled in your relationships too and maybe if you can identify that you are part of your own problem, also that you can’t control anybody’s behavior other than your own, maybe then you can be a part of the solution.

I will apologize if I hurt any of my brother’s feelings.  We as Black Men are sometimes chastised for having feelings and I don’t want to be insensitive to that.  Some guys may be upset and feel that I’m out of bounds for what I’m saying.  To that I would say that your behavior is no secret and I haven’t said anything that anybody can’t see for themselves.  It’s always easier to ask others to lower their standards than for a person to raise their own.

As for the women who may have been “AMENing” or hi-fiving me during this letter, I gladly will accept it and hope that I was able to speak to many of the issues that you would like to see removed from our relationships.  I certainly hope that you are as open and honest with yourselves when I share my open letter to you coming shortly.

Much love and take care of one another – “we all we got”…VA


57 Responses to “An Open Letter to Men – Insecurity and “Bitchassness” in Male/Female Relationships Affects Everyone…”

  1. Melanie J. Williams Says:

    My hands are raw from clapping at your raw, but real letter. However, I must say that we women have to shoulder some blame also.

  2. Vince –

    Awesome. Love your absolute “truthiness” on relationships and dating. This is a huge topic, but you addressed a great issue. I can’t wait to read the next two entries. Thanks for the straight talk…

    Oh, and if you go this Tuesday, that tamarind margarita is delicious. 🙂

  3. Soo, now I realize that I really don’t need that “good male friend” that I inquired about earlier…just needed to read this blog. My vexing situation is really tied to the fact that I’ve met up with a good, well-intentioned brother that I’m probably pushing away cuz I’m constantly waiting/suggesting that the “other shoe will drop” eventually. I’ve offered my apologies after reading this blog and now offer my utmost apologies to all the other secure, well-intentioned bruhs that have to put up with us edumacated, bruised (yet hopeful) sistas that have a hard time waiting for the “real you” to show up when you’ve been you and PRESENT all along…

    For the record, as one who had never gone through a phone or questioned anything…my last relationship caused me to turn into “one of them”. Being disgusted (yet enlightened) as my fingers found text after text of indiscretions, I confronted, I accepted apologies and still lost respect based on prior ill-tempered behavior before the indiscretions came to light. No wonder He was so quick to question, interrogate, go thru phones, etc…. it was cuz he was on dat Bullshit.

    So much for the lames who I’ve allowed to f*** my psyche. Hopefully, Mr. Secure will still hang in there with me. Thanks, Vince

  4. First and foremost, thank you for this. (I love when black men write and SHARE their thoughts!!!)

    To your point, women can say these thing repetitively and it will mean nothing. Maybe if men hear these thing from another man it will make an impact.

    With that said, it’s funny that you have chosen this topic for your series. I was just talking to girlfriends recently and of course the conversation was men. We, of course, did our vent about how they no longer court and how sometimes we feel like we are settling for men with the aforementioned ‘bitch ass’ tendencies. Makes me smile to know that I’m doing okay in not settling and being quite okay in my single life…lol

    It was that conversation with girlfriends that inspired a blog that I am working on now….(because it annoys the hell out of me that women think that Steve Harvey’s book was some kind of revelation) but I will wait to draft my thoughts until I see what you say….it may just be a hi five to what you put together…lmao

    Great Blog and Keep Them Coming!

    I would be interested to see what the male response will be…keep me posted other than *in my deepest man voice lol* ‘yeah, these dudes out here are on some ‘bitch’ shit for checking they woman phones and shit’ lmao 😉

    • aka04kb Says:

      J Nicole before I responded to Vince I just had to respond to your post because you mentioned courting…I just did a blog on courting and why it is dead…check it out sometime

      • Courting is dead ONLY if you let it be.
        We as a people, in dating/relationships/etc., have a choice … choose what YOU want to manifest.

  5. Exquisite Basketcase Says:

    Vince, man I just read your work and…Damn!!!! If you aren’t a carpenter maybe you should add that to your list of gifts because you nailed it!!!!! I just wish some of these broke back- only anatomical -males with profiles on FB can take the time to read this.
    I’m not one to hold a man’s d@#$, but I’ll surely carry yours around in a wheel barrel or on a rickshaw, because you have made my day.On point, on point, on point!!!!!

  6. well put, cant say i agree totally because my perspective may differ from yours in some places because of my own expierences but this was really on point, well said, and a good read. you know i already re tweeted this

  7. Good read VA.

    You know one thing I’ve always noticed, men who display these bitch ass behaviors are typically up to no good. They’re going through their woman’s phone/email asking a million questions etc, because they’re guilty about something they’ve done. So that type of man def gets the side eye from me.

  8. telyse3 Says:

    Question: Even before the actual ‘relationship’…Isn’t another indicator of an insecure man, a man that chooses who he dates by what his friends will think with a higher priorty than what he himself truly wants, needs or is attracted to?

  9. va, you hit it on the nose about relationships. i applaused you my strong black man….glory be to GOD For you. keep talking that talk and that walk!

  10. Joe Kollege Says:

    Great job, VA! I think a lot of Bruhs need to read this. You hit the nail on the head. A lot of Brothas don’t admit that they’re insecure about many things, they do need to let them go. Can’t wait for the next installment.

  11. Hey Vince!
    Thanks for the perspective. You echoed my thoughts with this line, “…there is a large contingency of women who believe in you, want you to succeed, want the best for you, but you don’t give them the support that they need in order for them to do what’s right for you.” As a woman who biblically speaking wants to be a Sarah.. it’s nearly impossible when none of the men available want to be an Abraham. I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m the kind of girl men want to marry, but not date. I still don’t know what that means to men, but I can tell you how it’s received. To me, that sounds like “he” is ready to get down, just not settle down. That seems to be the biggest problem I’ve run into. It’s nothing new, but do Brothers want the milk without having to buy the cow. And the dating scene is overrun with young “calves” who are more than happy to turn themselves in to veal cuttlets for a spot in the passenger seat. In that sense, the lack of available, attractive (not just physically, but spiritually, mentally and financially) men is our own fault ladies. At the end of the day, like most women (or at least those who still value tradtional gender roles) I want to get behind a guy I can believe in and trust to encourage and protect me as an ADULT woman (I’m not looking for a father, I have a good one of those, which could be one of the reasons I’m still single… I don’t NEED a man for that kind of support). But I can’t follow if “he” won’t lead. Because women are used to taking the reins at work, at church and in the family…it’s easy to take control of relationships, but I’ll speak for myself when I say, once that happens, I become resentful, I start to feel put upon and generally salty… and it’s downhill from there. There’s an old saying — “Lead, follow or get out of the way.” It seems like most bruhs are content to choose the latter, which is disappointing.
    I look forward to your remarks for the ladies… Be well.

  12. VA, I love this blog man. I can’t wait for parts 2 & 3. I have also felt the wrath of dealing with a woman after she has been with a brother practicing Bitchassness and displaying crazy amounts of insecurity. And as much I have to navigate those issues, it is a path I do not prefer. I’m definitely looking forward to part 2, to see if the women who are enablers of this kind of behavior accept responsibility.

    Good Work

  13. Full concurrence. Good letter. I have had enumerable conversations with friends and have even tried to pull certain brothers coat on this bitch shit only to find that bitch -mf’s are just that- bitch -mf’s. You can’t do anything with them. Case and point, one unnamed brother wondered and was so hurt at why his wife would call him a bitch as all he ever did when I saw him was bitch, complain, and bark chores, but demand she stay at home to raise children although she was degreed too. Fronting her in front of guest, loud talking her on the phone, taking car keys, closing bank accounts, turning of cell phone, deadbolt locking the house, putting his daughter on punishment because she got 1 B on an A report card. Yet his bitch ass left undone his education aspirations. Such described bitch-ass antics you described above and ones I have just shared presumptively can only be ascribed to -forgive the seemingly so vulgar term- being cunt reared. No I’m not denigrating women down to being cunts but the resultant retroactive term for the rearing that resulted in the young man to be such a bitch has to be captured in some way. No self respecting man raised with both parents or a father (not just a diaddy-phonetically spelled for emphasis) around should ever exhibit such bitch ass qualities. Take it a step farther this same type of guy can only be trusted to betray his boys in the end. With the dissolution of the family though and for a lack of a better term (households being Oprahfied-yeah she’s gotten better in the last 10 years) boys who should be getting the tutelage of real men are relegated to being raised only half baked. Then when they get of age they do everything half cocked!

  14. hmm very interesting. I like it, I like it alot, but I have a request. Can you go into a little more detail about what it means to be

    ” not willing to step up to the plate fully and handle your end of the business in the relationship. In other cases you guys emotionally neglect or even mistreat your women ”

    I think a lot of my brothas are not clear on how to step up, even some of the well-intentioned ones.!

  15. Malaika69 took the words right out of my mouth! Vince, thank you for sharing a perspective that benefits the brothas and enlightens the sistas too. Looking forward to Parts 2 & 3!

  16. S.Graham Says:

    I must applaud you on this V.A. and be aware that I am doing my part to spread the “cure” by adding your link to my FB status and emailing it to several individuals who I think will benefit and also share the word.
    Now..I would classify myself as a “Well put together brother” although not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I try to present myself in such a manner that my actions are in accordance to what you described as such although I have asked one or two of those questions in the past ..not for the actual answer itself but to give my partner at the time a sense of “I care” or “pseudo jealousy”. I think you have to be careful not to be too “Hard” or “manly” to the point your women gets the impression that she can go and do anything and you do not care at all. You can see the difference in a women who has a man that has his shit together and supports her in her endeavors.. her glow and swag is undeniable.. By supporting her we support ourselves and make the “team stronger” as it relates to the relationship.

  17. Thank you, thank you…thank you. As a woman that has been married and has dated both men AND women, there is nothing worse than a “bitchassman.” When dating women, I expect to experience the traits VA listed above; however, when dating men…I expect my man to be… A MAN!

    Men, it’s not cute, nor does it make us feel like you really care about us ~ it’s nerve-wrecking and bitch-like. As a woman of varied tastes, I appreciate both sexes for different reasons. I want my man to be a man. While I do want to connect with him emotionally, I do not NEED him to be like one of the girls. I enjoy the fact that with men, I don’t have to worry about the “cattiness or the emotional drama”…men…let’s keep it that way.

    I’m all for a man being in touch with his feminine side but as I tell other women all the time – find an outlet. Just because you HAVE those thoughts don’t mean that you have to share them with your partner. Dig deep down and determine WHY you are having them and work through it. Insecurity is not a turn on; jealousy does not prove that you really care for me and using my cell phone as a tracking device is just not cool…but more on that later.

    If you would like to work with a coach that understands dating from both sides of the fence…I’m here.


  18. ChenetLaRose Says:

    VINCE! This is one of THE best blog I’ve read on men from a mans perspective…Great job!

  19. Catherine J Hughey Says:

    OK…Let me start with TWO WORDS…OOOOOO WEEEEEE!*High Pitch*

    You did a wonderful job of putting it out there. I respect you for that and no one can deny what you are saying. Thanks, I do beleive that men need to hear these types of things from another man, otherwise they think WE (women) are trippin’.

    I have forwarded on your Blog, I am enjoying the feedback, loving it all together.

    One more thing… Do we really have to wait until Thursday for Part 2? Please don’t make us wait until Thursday, VA…..


  21. VA,

    Well written and well said. Men have fought for centuries for land & wealth…now its time for them to fight for themselves! By that, I mean starting to do better. Everyone has insecurities, however how one deals with them is telling. Insecurities hurt all relationships and each of us (men & women) must find constructive ways to deal with them. I’m looking forward to future postings…good stuff!

  22. Very well said!!! A reality check for all….

  23. Cassandra Bell Says:

    OMG! This has become my addiction… Where is the book Bruh? Where is the book? I want to email this, post it on my bumper sticker! call Oprah! write a song about it! here we go! I married a bitch ass whew! and you never lied it created such resentment , and all I could do was run for the forest !…. Please I hope you get the opportunity to check out the Asija Blu show… this is exactly what I wrote aout… writing is my thearapy. Love Ya V.A.

  24. Vince,

    Great blog! You went straight to the heart of the problem with a lot of brothers out here today – pretending to be “men”. I hope that brothers really take time to read this and truly examine their behavior. Personally, I’m at the point where I’ve almost given up on the brothers, they come with so many issues that we as women have to deal with and it’s just exhausting. This letter really opens up a forum to shed some light on identifying the problems that exist within our relationships and most importantly working on fixing it. I can’t wait for part 2 & 3.

  25. VA, sending amens and hi fives your way for real for putting this out there! I can’t wait to read your message to the women, because there are women out there that believe that such bitchassness and insecure behavior is a true attestation of love and when such behavior is not displayed that the man must not really care……but, ill leave that for the next blog!

  26. Gabby Horton Says:

    Wow. That was an excellent Blog. Very Formal and Direct; I agree with everything you are stating. I am very curious to read your next one in regards to woman. However, I see a lot of the same issues listed above in women. I know you made a comment that some of the behavior is woman like and that may be true, but the overall position of the behavior does not change. So, I would challenge women to get off the bitchassness and the insecurity shit and stand up proud on the secure side. Okay again I know this is about men, but the more I learn about female/male relationships thru my own personal experiences and the experiences of others, the more I realize that the issues between the two genders are rather consistent, it’s the thought process and the gender role playing that contribute most towards the differences.
    Furthermore, I am big at diving deep into problems, since every problem has a root cause. So check this out, I am not trying to make an excuse, but lets look at the blk family. A lost of black males are raised by women only since the dads are not around. Neither right or wrong, but I wonder if black boys growing up with out a father are missing that male role model prospective in life and pick up on mostly female realted traits. Just a thought, not an excuse. Believe me I am the proud offspring of a strong single mother, and I have a brother who does not show the same ridiculous characteristics outlined in your blog…. Again, I am not trying to make excuses for the behavior but again these sorts of epidemics do not occur overnight, it stems from a bigger-rooted problem and we all know that the current black family model is directly affecting the lack of success in our black communities!
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts… Keep doing what you are doing!

  27. aka04kb Says:


    An excellent post. This is the type of good honest conversation that I love to participate in and it is even better hearing it from a male. The interesting thing for me about this post is that although I totally agree with what you said hearing your perspective on it brings some different questions to the forefront of my mind, and that is when did all of this bitch ass behavior become cool and acceptable? I mean clearly if there is an upswing in the behavior at some point in time it was not that prevalent…What the hell happened? Now I will admit that there are a few things that us women have done to contribute to this(but I will save that for your part two post) but that alone cannot be the cause of what we are seeing today….All I can say is that these type of brothas need to get it together…Any sistah with a reasonable amount of sense is not going to let anyone be hear leader, protector, etc. if he is going around checking her cell phone…What kind of confidence does that inspire..Absolutely none in my book…

  28. Wow…

    I truly appreciate the honesty and truly look forward to the rest of the trilogy…

  29. Chinita Says:

    Hey Vince- great commentary, it definitely provides some food for thought. Now, the other needed variable is the “willingness to change”.

    At some point over the past years I feel some black men (increasing) loss a sense of manhood, morality…so forth; in return we get “bitchassness and insecurity”. I have been unfortunate to have dealt with some of them…

    Whether your blog captures the attention of one or many Black men of this class-attaining one’s attention is hope for many to come.

    Looking forward to the next reading!

  30. Angeline Says:

    This is truly admirable, winsome, worthwhile, recommended, positive and worthy of repeating over and over again.

    You know, sometimes we don’t want to hear a “bit” of truth about ourselves because it could be way too much for us to deal with.

    Like most women, as I get older, I think of a relationship as a luxury I can no longer afford. Truth be told, the only relationships I have are the ones that come to me in my dreams, only after my exhausted head hits the pillow and I am usually way too tired to even remember them. Yes, I admit, bitchass did this to me.

    Vince, thanks for boldly explaining this truth about bitchassness because if the truth isn’t spoken, we hurt others as well as ourselves. In this regard, I sure hope this message reaches the bitchasses because certain words cannot be uttered with any success, if they don’t reach the audience intended.

    I believe the words that are written in this blog come from the heart and conforms to my very-high opinion of who I believe you to be. Ican clearly say that you, Vince set the standard among men.

  31. VA – Thank you for the words. Not just for the men but for us women. It’s unfortunate that we as women choose not to listen to our intuitive part of our soul. We have that gift and choose to ignore it! We know when a man is doing us wrong, we don’t have to go through a phone to find text messages we already know are there. When women and men have this urge of lowering their standards, WALK AWAY! Don’t stick around to be miserable wondering if this man is telling you the truth. Listen ladies, a real man won’t let you sit and wonder. I have girlfriends in these types of bitch ass “relationships” and I can only say so much, so VA, that being said it’ll be nice to have them read this coming from a real man.

  32. VA, you did it again. I really enjoyed reading the first in the trilogy and I am eagerly awaiting parts 2 and 3. I agree with everything you said. And what I found is that once a man suffers from bitchassness, there is no cure. One guy I dated just did not trust me. I would walk in the door and hand him my phone because I knew he was dying for the chance to peruse it. I even gave him the phone for a while so he could answer it if it rang. I even gave him my code for checking my voicemail. It was never enough. The more access I gave him into my private, personal space, the more he wanted. I finally had to walk away from him.

  33. Hey man, way to kick knowledge. Truthfully something for the Men of today and tomorrow. I appreciate how you can identify a lot of the negatives and lay it down in a way brotha’s can actually understand.

    Now, while I’m praising the article and its truths, I will say that in my opinion I believe that certain parts can be situational. For instance, the question asking – “where you going?” etc. Depending on the context or nature that it was asked in it very well be Bitchassness no doubt, but also it can be inquisition of some other type. It all depends. However I agree 100% on what you said about going through phones and purses….Thats just ‘CUCKAMONGERY’ (in the words of Boola lol)

  34. Charles Says:


    Excellent blog!!! Whatever your motivation for posting this ‘manifesto’ addressing the bitchassness of the bruhs, lets hope that is does have a profound affect on those its intended to address.

    Cant wait for parts two and three!!!!


  35. Nichelle ma Belle Says:

    I couldn’t have said it better myself. Once again, you nailed it. As someone that is currently dealing with this issue, all I can say is THAT IT IS NOT FUN WHATSOEVER!! The emotional rollercoaster, the pain & confusion is just indescribable….so much so that you just want OUT & to have resolution. That is what I’m praying for….resolution. This is also a very exhausting issue because there is sooooo much more to it. It’s unbelievable and often ask myself, “How the hell did I get myself into this!”

    Thank you for your amazing blogs & I look forward to parts 2 & 3. You are the shit!

  36. Thank you for posting this one Vince, it was right on time for me. I have been feeling like men want to CONTROL us woman rather than love us. Like some of them only want us to be all about them, and not have a life of our own. So many woman I know are working to balance work, family, and their relationship, much harder if you have an insecure man! I hope more men will read this, and I will definitely RT it! @wadecreate

  37. Vince, your insight and honesty is so candid and refreshing…thank you for being one of the few men that are bold and brave enough to take that first step on the treacherous journey of addressing one’s own kind. I’m blessed to have a very diverse group of men in my life (friends, family, and intimate acquaintenances) that have shared the same type of raw truth with me when I’ve been hurt and damgaged by the predatory nature of bitchass bruhs!!! I have also continually challenged these same brothers to shout it from the roof tops (as you have) that men as a whole need to get real!!! In my opinion, bitchassness and insecurity have gained such momentum in the community of black men because other black men won’t confront foolishness when they see it. Its no different than when a man practices infidelity he’s a player, but when a women does it she’s a whore. Then men get mad when we as women judge them by stereotypes that they have allowed to define them!! If you don’t want to be known as a dog, why are you running with a pack wolves??? In my circle of friends, because we are truly sistas, when someone is bogus we call them on it…collectively and individually. Yet with men, negative behavior amongst confidants is ignored like the pink elephant in the room…WTF??!!?? Thanks Vince for your courage!! Call their asses on the carpet for some more shit!!! Make these shifty ass pussydicks claiming to be men stop defaming the definition of manhood!! Make them get their panties out their booties and rock up!!! I LOVE IT!!!

    Now, in all fairness I have to get on my soap box, just as you did, and fully acknowledge there is some serious “mickey fickey” that goes on the mind of black women too…but I’ll reserve that commentary for your blog on said subject. Peace out!

  38. Bridget Says:

    VA, what an insightful and thought provoking blog.

    For the record I would like to say that bitchassness is not cute and not attractive. Just stop it!

    I have discovered that most men have no ideal that they even have the bitchassness disease because their ex’s never told them, and their boys never told them. So if you know a bitchassness person, do us all a favor and point them out!

    I would like to dedicate Oran Juice Jones to all the bitchassness brothers out there!

    Oran Juice Jones is the King of Bitchassness. If you have to follow me there is a serious problem!

  39. Hey DJ VA,

    This is a really great blog post…for years I’ve been saying that the way we treat each other is crazy…because if you really care for someone…you must learn the proper way to treat them….all of the crazy negativity that we offer each other in our relationships today….is not healthy! Most brothers do have such large or off centered egos that will not allow them to see both sides of the picture and there are so many women needing and wanting a man that they will take any and everything from most of the guys out here.

    I wish you the best in all you do in the name of improving the state of our male-female relationships. -Chat Daddy

  40. Guru VA

    I just had a chance to read your blog so I can get to the next one smile

    This one has great insight for both sexes !!!!! It’s about opening the dialogue to discuss the issues so that we can get past the cul-de sac in relationships and become more infinate in refining them!!!

    Keep up the writings….Ready to read the next blog

    Congrats- Nothing but Love for ya

  41. *applause*

    Thanks for taking the time to speak on this very sensitive subject. I think you did a great job of covering the issue from all sides as it pertains to responsibility of men in perpetuating the problems that plague dating in our community. I’m looking forward to reading the other installments. We all need to heal, grow and learn to love ourselves before we can successfully love another.


  42. The most hilarious line in this blog, “grab your nuts and get your shit together.” I have someone in mind I need to send this blog too! Thanks! You’re a great writer!

  43. Vince~
    Thank you for being a voice for our brutha’s. This was a much needed flaw that needed to be EXPOSED!!! Because of your STRENGTH and CONFIDENCE as a MAN, you are able to bring this problem to the front of the line. I THANK YOU! I PRAISE YOU! Stay firm, strong, and committed. I know that this is how we began to help heal our communities, families, and children in a HUGE way.


  44. VA – you are a gem and I am so happy to see a man who realizes that there is definitely a joint effort between men and women to create and maintain a healthy and fullfilling relationship. You and I have briefly touched on the subject, but this my dear is truly a phenominal piece. Inspiring to say the least.

    As always much love.

  45. Love, love, LOVE this post! On point 100% Glad I stopped by to check out your blog. Continue to inspire and keep it real!

  46. Well done my brother, well done.

  47. James "DJ Acid" Says:

    You nailed it with this post!! Some people won’t like what you said and you know which catagory they fit in!!! Keep it comin!


  49. Great post! I’m lucky enough to have an amazing man in my life. BUT, I’ve experienced plenty of bitchass men! Ugh, not cool!

  50. Kween Zwhy'yah Says:

    I am humbled by the words that you shared with us. I thank Boolumaster for posting this on his page for all of us to read. I thank you for allowing The Creator to use you as a vessel to share these words of wisdom with us. I am a single woman who had heard it all and experienced quite a bit and I sit here bitter as hell waiting on the man to come to my doorstep to say stop being so “I CAN DO IT ALL” and let me carry this along side of you. I have two sons and I say time and time again I cannot teach them how to be man yet I cannot allow a boy to try and teach them either so here I stand. Applauding you for your wisdom yet with my head hanging low waiting for rescue 101. Thank you Thank you Thank you

  51. Excellent display of all males not just the african american male. You hit the nail right on the mark. It is refreshing to know that a male is not afraid of putting it out there, there is not secret code for male or female species in this day in age because we are not like our ancestors who just made it work. Thank you for putting it out there for the men and women, what a wonderful thing to do.

  52. small fry Says:

    V.A.- Superbly put…awesome. I am experiencing the exact bitchassness and insecurity from the man I am seeing now. He wants me to cover up, he watches me to see if I am looking at another man. It is f***ing annoying. You blogged it right when you say it makes a woman lose respect…I’m getting there.

  53. I loved both letters to women and to men

  54. this is a book…
    a damn best seller too.

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