An Open Letter to Men – Insecurity and “Bitchassness” in Male/Female Relationships Affects Everyone…

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This is the first of a three part series regarding the Male/Female Relationship.  This entry is an open letter to Men, the second is an open letter to Women and the third is an open letter to Men and Women who want a productive and fulfilling relationship.

DISCLAIMER: This is a very “touchy” and adult subject.  Some men may have hurt feelings or take offense to what I’m saying here – if that’s the case, I will apologize in advance.  I have taken my years of conversations, experiences and observations with men and with women about men to create this letter.  This letter does not reflect a single encounter, again, it is based on a wide array of encounters.  The following is just “real talk” from the way I see things.  Additionally, this is an adult blog entry with profanity.

Dear Bruhs,

What’s up?  I know some of you personally, some of you as acquaintances and I have not had the opportunity to meet many of you at the time of preparing this letter.  To all of you who have defied the odds (regarding Black Men) by being a productive member of society, educated in many cases and furthering yourselves, I applaud you as many people in society will not give you that credit.  It is my observation that our communities are suffering more and more for a myriad of reasons – all too broad to discuss in this one letter.  I can say that part of the issue in our community stems from our unhealthy relationships with women.

From the beginning of time men have been accused and guilty of being liars, cheaters, ill-tempered (even abusive), unable to properly communicate and many other things.  Again, this letter is by no means the forum to discuss every challenge that befalls men and more specifically, Black Men.  I can say that I have had the opportunity to know, date, befriend and converse with many, many women over the past 20+ years.  It is through my relationships (friend and dating) with women that I really get to learn a lot about my Black Brothers.  Additionally, I would have to say that many of you Bruhs have been pretty honest in “telling on yourselves”, but its really through conversations with other women that I get “the scoop.”

It is through these conversations, relationships and encounters with women that I have come to see that there are two divisions of men (as it relates specifically to this letter.)  There is the secure, directed and “well put together” brother and there is the brother that suffers from bitchassness and insecurity.  It is my observation over the past 5 years that there has been a HUGE upsurge in these two increasingly pervasive issues when it comes to men: bitchassness and insecurity.  I know that we as men have egos and rarely want to see a “lesser” form of ourselves, so let me help you in identifying if you have been or are guilty of bitchassness or insecurity.

The Urban Dictionary defines bitchassness (a word created by P. Diddy) as:

“newly discovered disease running rampant, especially in the black community.

symptoms include:

1.punkish tendencies
2. cattiness, such as talking behind someone’s back
3. thinking highly of yourself, but only expressing it under your breath
4.claiming “hurt feelings” when you are called out on your bullshit”

In addition to this definition, I would state that specifically for the purposes of this letter that going through a woman’s personal possessions (i.e. phone log, text messages, email, purse – anything that’s not yours) is the epitome of bitchassness.  Along with these actions is being passive aggressive.  Passive aggressive would simply be not directly addressing issues that you have with a woman and creating more issues by being, well, a bitch ass.

That’s only half of the problem, the other is insecurity.  I have had girlfriends, I’ve been married and I have had the opportunity to date a wide range of women.  I think that this would give me an opportunity to display insecurity at some point in my life.  So Bruhs, if you want to know if you’re insecure, here is a list of questions (or any form of the question) that may qualify you as insecure if you’ve ever asked them to a woman:

• “Where are you going?” (other form “Where were you?”)
• “Who are you going with?”
• “When are you coming back?”
• “Why don’t you wear something less revealing?”
• “Who was that on the phone?”
• “Who was that guy over there you were talking to?”
• “Who is he and what it is he to you?”

I am very proud to say that in my 20+ years of dating (or being a husband) that I have NEVER asked a woman these questions.  Why not, because it was either none of my business, people are entitled to have their own lives and in the case of the revealing clothes – if she had “great cleavage”, sexy legs or anything outwardly appealing when I met her it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask her to start being “less appealing” because she’s in my life now.

By now Bruhs, you should get the picture.  Of course this is not an all-inclusive list of questions that the insecure brother asks and you can get the varieties of how these questions are asked without me doing it for you.  The important thing is that men have been insecure since the beginning of time because of our “fragile egos”, but insecurity is now ramping up to an all-time high.

Women are the ones who normally have the qualities of curious, intuition and suspicion associated with them.  I am by no means condoning poor behavior or actions on the part of women (i.e. going through a man’s phone or private possessions.)  I am more so saying that this is behavior more associated with a woman than with a man.  Let me give you a hand Bruh, leave all the suspicions and “girl-like” behavior to the women – grab your nuts and get your shit together.

Now, let me state, there are a fair number of women who are “doing dirt” and it’s not like there isn’t a fair space for speculation.  To be even more frank about it, there are some “shady ass” women out here and women will tell you that there are a lot of women that are up to “no good.”  The primary point that I’m making is that men should handle issues like a man, not like a woman.  There is no amount of “shadiness” or suspicion about a woman that should ever make a man resort to handling any issue in the way that a woman would.  There are always two sides to a story, but again, nothing should reduce a man to handling situations anyway other than like a man.  This bitchassness has got to stop or at least be identified because simply stated – it’s not a “good look” at all.

Let me explain to you what you’re doing my man.  You’re trying to control somebody else (mainly your woman) because you have no self control.  You’re trying to manipulate someone else’s “way of doing things” because of issues that you have within yourself.  The biggest and probably worst part of it is that your woman (if she loves you) really wants to respect you.  Well, I hate to break it to you, but every time you display your bitchassness by not handling things like a man or you display insecurity you are losing more and more of her respect.  It’s no different than putting stricter rules on a teenager who isn’t doing anything wrong, the more you stifle them, the more they don’t like you and the more they will rebel.

With that being the case, you brothers who display these bitch ass tendencies and insecurities become your own biggest problem.  You are creating your own world where you will never be fulfilled and by brow beating, dominating or manipulating a woman you will never get where you are trying to go – it only creates tension, resentment and the lack of real love and compassion in the relationship – that’s in the case that you even want a “real relationship.”

The worst part about it Bruhs is that the overwhelming majority of you who are displaying some degree (or a large degree) of bitchassness or insecurity are guilty of not handling your business in the relationship.  It’s a fact that there are some women that are simply out for themselves and it doesn’t matter what you do for them or to them, they will simply not be a good fit for you.  HOWEVER, there is a large contingency of women who believe in you, want you to succeed, want the best for you, but you don’t give them the support that they need in order for them to do what’s right for you.

You may ask how does that work.  C’mon Bruhs, let’s not play stupid.  The majority of men that participate in insecurity and bitch ass actions are the ones who are not willing to step up to the plate fully and handle your end of the business in the relationship.  In other cases you guys emotionally neglect or even mistreat your women and your bitch ass tendencies or insecurities arise because you know by all rights that your girl shouldn’t want to put up with your half-ass approach to the relationship.  She might say that it’s not her fault for loving you, but I would disagree and say that it is her fault, but that’s a topic for another letter.

I could go on and on about bitchassness and insecurity because it has really spun out of control.  I’ll just say that there are a lot of ways that you can “look bad” to your woman, but this is probably the worst way that you could because your actions are so woman-like that she honestly sees you as less of a man every time you do these things whether she tells you to your face or not.  I just thought that you should know.

I have to admit that there is a somewhat selfish reason that I have for reaching out to my brothers who display bitch ass qualities and insecurities.  Earlier I said that there are two types of guys for the purpose of this letter – the second guy is the “well put together” guy who is secure.  I would put myself in this category.  So what’s the selfish reason?  Well, you insecure Bruhs with these bitch ass tendencies are making it hard for the guys without all of these issues to have good relationships with single women because of all of the bullshit that you’ve taken them through with your games, manipulation and insecurities.

Now, let me say this, I am not saying that ALL issues with men/women relationships stem from the insecure man, not at all.  However, you are a healthy contributor Bruh.  Women get so confused, so disheartened and so discontent by all the shit that you’ve heaped on them that by time they get to sit down and have a conversation with a brother who doesn’t have these qualities they have a hard time discerning whether we are the real deal or if they’re sitting with our “representative” the same way that they sat with your “representative” before all of your skeletons and bitch ass tendencies came out.

I can’t say it any plainer than letting you know my brother, you’re messing up the situation for everybody not just yourself.

I’ll conclude by saying that I don’t expect for all of my brothers with these insecurities and tendencies to change overnight for the benefit of the secure brothers and the sisters who really don’t deserve what you’re doing.  However, as the old saying goes “knowing is half the battle.”  I think that its time that the conversation on how to create a better climate for relationships starts with us addressing our own issues.  Sisters can tell us things until we’re blue in the face.  Maybe hearing it from one of our own may bring a greater awareness or at least start the conversation in order to minimize this behavior or at least stop the rampant progression of it.

In the end, I want to congratulate my secure brothers for hanging in there and enduring all the frustrations that come with the climate that the insecure brother creates and the aftermath of his failed relationships with his “female victims.”  To the insecure brother with less than desirable tendencies, it’s not too late to change your ways.  I believe that you want to be fulfilled in your relationships too and maybe if you can identify that you are part of your own problem, also that you can’t control anybody’s behavior other than your own, maybe then you can be a part of the solution.

I will apologize if I hurt any of my brother’s feelings.  We as Black Men are sometimes chastised for having feelings and I don’t want to be insensitive to that.  Some guys may be upset and feel that I’m out of bounds for what I’m saying.  To that I would say that your behavior is no secret and I haven’t said anything that anybody can’t see for themselves.  It’s always easier to ask others to lower their standards than for a person to raise their own.

As for the women who may have been “AMENing” or hi-fiving me during this letter, I gladly will accept it and hope that I was able to speak to many of the issues that you would like to see removed from our relationships.  I certainly hope that you are as open and honest with yourselves when I share my open letter to you coming shortly.

Much love and take care of one another – “we all we got”…VA