An Open Letter to Women – “The Woman In The Mirror”…

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This is the second of a three part series regarding the Male/Female Relationship.  This entry is an open letter to Women, the first was an open letter to Men and the third is an open letter to Men and Women who want a productive and fulfilling relationship.  This submission is intended to loosely connect with the first letter to Men.  Therefore, issues that were addressed in the letter to men will not be rehashed in this letter.

Disclaimer(s):  I could write an entire blog about disclaimers given that women are very dynamic individuals.  Very much like the letter to men, this entry is the culmination of experience, observations and conversations with men and women about women.  The nature of the blog is very frank and it is not intended to be inflammatory or antagonistic, merely one person’s vast, broad assimilation of information.  If you are a woman reading this you may feel that there are some items, examples and inferences that may not relate to you.  In that case, feel free to look past that as a “does not apply to me” issue.  HOWEVER, it has been my experience that there is quite a bit of denial within some women with regard to how they “really” are perceived by others vs. how they perceive themselves.

Also, this is a “lengthy” discussion to a broad topic.  I do not speak for all men, but I would say that the information is very pertinent.  I thank you in advance for taking the time to read it.  With that being said – here we go…

Dear Ladies,

Hello Ladies, I hope that you’re doing well at the time of receiving this letter.  Many of you had the opportunity to peek at the letter to Men that I wrote and if you have not, I would encourage you to when you find time.  As that letter stated, I don’t know everyone that this letter will reach, but there are some that I have had the opportunity to know in passing, some very well or maybe even “personally.”  I know that some of you are single, married, “unhappily connected” or “happily connected.”  Any way you may be at this time, I applaud you for making it this far and doing so much in a world that is often dominated by men.

Before I get started, I would like it if you as the ladies could do me a huge favor.  As you’re reading this, can you please let go of the excuse of “well if guys would just” or “what about when guys do” and all of the other references that could come up about men’s transgressions or wrong doings.  Two wrongs don’t make a right and men behaving badly in no way removes women’s accountability for the issues that they bring to the table.  So this letter is focused on women, not the things that men do to make women do unproductive things in return.  Ok, thanks for agreeing to that.

I think that there are many, many issues ranging from esteem issues, to insecurity, materialism, prior abuse, self-respect and many more issues that impact women in relationships.  Also, because women are so dynamic it would be impossible to address all of these issues within this letter.  With that in mind I will let ladies know that this letter will specifically speak to why many women attract more “busters” and bad choices in men and many times don’t get a call back or chance to pursue a relationship with the guy who may have been a better quality catch. Plainly stated, the undesirable components of some women’s personality quite possibly attract the buster and repel the guy with good sense.

Today (July 7, 2009) Michael Jackson was laid to rest and one of his more poignant songs is “The Man In The Mirror” which inspired the title of this letter.  I would like to ask every woman, presuming you could meet a single man who possessed your criteria for what a good man is, who wasn’t intimidated by other men or your place in life, wasn’t insecure, who was willing to develop a mature relationship with you that could lead to marriage – would you consider yourself to be the woman that he would want in return??  As much talking that has been done about how trifling, immature and under-developed men are, do you really consider yourself to be the woman that “Mr. Right For You” would want in return??

The origin of this question doesn’t come from my past serious relationships and it doesn’t come from my divorce.  It actually comes from the many conversations I’ve had with women (some dating, some just conversations), the conversations that I’ve had with “good” men regarding their experiences with women and my personal observations of women as a business man and DJ in the 3rd largest city of the country, Chicago.  It certainly comes from the numerous conversations or observations of women when I and other men think “do you even hear the words that are coming out of your mouth??” Unfortunately, if I had to assess whether many women are what I or what other men of good character would want (not referring to physical attraction, purely personality), the answer would be a resounding “hell NO.”

To cut to the chase as to why this may be the point, it is my observation that there are two types of women (for the purposes of this letter), the first is the woman that simply knows herself, the second woman is the woman who not only knows herself, but she is also “self aware.”  We all know what knowing yourself is – it includes your likes, turn-offs, ambitions, desires, etc.  However, being “self aware” means that you not only know yourself, you are also fully aware of how you are perceived by other people.

Again, my observation is that there are many women that exhibit less than desirable personality qualities (i.e. argumentative, uber-passive, over bearing, etc.) and unfortunately, they have no idea that they would run a good guy off in a heartbeat.  I’ve asked several women lately “which one of your girlfriends would you personally date if you were a guy.”  After a pause and some thought, many of them cycle through their girlfriend’s idiosyncrasies, quirks, bad habits and oddities to then say, “let me get back to you on that.”  Of course that’s not true of every woman.  However, the major point that I’m sharing is that sometimes women can be so fixated on “this is me and this is who I am, take it or leave it” that they don’t realize how much of a turn off their personality truly is, especially to a man that they would want to attract.

Its even amazing the number of arguments/squabbles that women have with their women friends during girls night out, girl’s vacations, etc.  You hear comments like “I’ll never travel with her again”, “I hate waiting for her” or “that’s why I like it when I drive as opposed to riding with them” and many more complaints about women friends.  Guess what – you and/or your girlfriends bring that same behavior (and more) in their relationships with men.  Women don’t even want to deal with their girl friends (in some cases) because “you know how SHE is.”  That’s exactly the point I’m making about the same and worse behavior with men.

Again, the natural defense is to say “well, what about the guys who…” – we’re not talking about them right now, this is about you being ready for “Mr. Right For You” in the event that’s what you would like to have in your life.

I know that there are some women that would say “if a guy doesn’t like me for who I am, then he’s not the guy for me.”  Well, let’s take a look at who you are quite honestly:

  • Are you conflict oriented or conflict averse?
  • Are you boring or engaging?
  • Are you open to new things or stuck in your ways?
  • Are you super-stubborn or open to new ways of seeing things?
  • Are you bossy or flexible?
  • Are you abrasive or soothing?
  • Are you clingly/insecure or secure?
  • Are you overly needy or independent to the extent there’s no room for anyone else or somewhere in the middle?
  • Do you appear to be frigid or tastefully alluring (let’s be honest, men do want to be ATTRACTED to a woman?)

I know that times have changed and that women have to assume more responsibility in the home and in the office than ever before.  HOWEVER, one of the biggest things that I’ve seen in the 21st century woman that is a major turn-off is the lack of a brain buffer.  Quite honestly that means that what comes up, comes out.  In addition to the brain buffer issue is women who are theoretically so far on their own page with their likes, dislikes, “this is the way that I amisms”, that it literally turns people (women and men) off or runs them away.  Again, I am referring to the “getting to know you” process.”  These issues can be omnipresent even prior to an actual relationship ensuing.

Let me explain something briefly.  Many times the guy that you are looking for who is sensitive to your needs, supports you in your progression of yourself, wants to carry his part of the load and all those other great things really doesn’t want a sarcastic, “flip”, “say whatever you feel” kind of woman.  This doesn’t mean that he’s not looking for your opinion and doesn’t want to hear what you have to say.  That also doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want a funny, witty woman with a ton of personality.  This is where the old adage “it’s not always what you say, but how you say it” comes in.  We are in a time where far too often women don’t care how they say what it is they have to say to a man.  This may seem unreasonable, but it’s no different than the desire to have a man ask something of you rather than demand it.  The gruff, crass and thoughtless way that some women speak (especially to men) these days doesn’t garner any level of respect, love, courtesy or desire to want to spend time with a woman who doesn’t have enough discretion to think before she speaks.

Some women may say “I don’t want to have to go through all of that, if I feel something I should just be able to say whatever.”  Again, you wouldn’t want some guy coming at you half-witted and quarter-cocked with the first dumb ass thing out of his mouth.  Just consider the feeling mutual.  Too often the lack of decorum and the feeling of “whatever” that many women have will continue to attract the guys who do the same in return and alienate the ones who would offer them the respect in return of thinking before they said the first thing that came to mind.

Many women are under the impression that men are intimidated by free-thinking, motivated and assertive women.  Though that may be the case with some men, there are many men who want a woman with wit, energy, ideas and ambition.  HOWEVER, they want them to still be and act like women.  The same way that it’s a turn off for a man to exhibit what would be considered “girl like” tendencies, it is equally as much of a turn off to a man for a woman to interact with him, have conflict with him and “get at” him the way that a man would.  It doesn’t mean that a “good” man wants a woman to be demure or soft-spoken.  Mature and developed men can receive what you’re saying much better when it’s delivered with grace, class and panache’ as opposed to when it’s being delivered with the subtlety of a baseball bat.  The same way you want a man to be a man, a man talking with a woman, doesn’t wants to feel like he’s “going at it” with one of his boys unless it’s the tone of a specific conversation.  It is cool to feel like you have a woman that can flow between “kickin it” and the serious man/woman vibe.  Unfortunately, I’m not referring to moments of conflict; I’m just referring to typical everyday conversation where women are so raw and at times abrasive that it’s a turnoff.  When I say abrasive I’m not referring to profanity.  More like talking at someone instead of talking to them or just frankly saying anything that comes to mind regardless of how it may be received.

On the other end of the spectrum is the woman that feels that her opinion doesn’t matter or she constantly relegates herself to whatever the man’s position would be.  Included in that is the woman who is not engaging in many regards and doesn’t present any level of allure or captivating quality to attract a man.  The man you want typically only fully respects women that they fully respect themselves.  Good guys typically are drawn to women who feel good about themselves.  It is not my assertion in any way that a woman should “kow tow” to a man in any way.  I feel that the most progressive relationships will always be the ones where the two act as equals (still respective of the man/woman dynamic) and the woman is not relegated to the lesser person in the relationship.  Unfortunately, many woman position themselves in that place are at times taken advantage of because of it.  Much of that was/is her doing.

Again, it is my personal opinion that the right woman can get a man to do just about anything that she would want if she was more desirable (mentally and yes, physically too – this is a desire based connection for both sexes) than demanding in many cases.  There is an old statement that still is  as true today as it has ever been – “you can attract a lot more bees with honey than you can with vinegar” and unfortunately many women have lost sight of that.  On far too many occasions the otherwise desirable woman is driving men away by not being “self aware” and simply being herself.

So how is it that this position assumed by women of not being “self aware” can attract busters and stave off the desirable guy?  Let’s look at the buster.  The synonym for buster is predator.  Busters look at women with emotional issues, super-ego/attitudes, walls, emotionally unavailable and/or low self-esteem as prey or a challenge.  That means that by their very nature they know that your soft exterior or rough exterior, whatever you may have can be broken down by a series of saying and/or doing the things to get past the barriers that have been put up.  The same way that the jackal stalks the lioness, many women are throwing so much of their “this is how I am” nature or their “I have low esteem” nature out there that its literally pheromones attracting the jackal who is willing to “play the game” until you break down and give him whatever it is he wants.  The buster/predator sees you as a project, a thing to do, a conquest and is willing to engage in the game of “this is me” because he wants to destroy you or at least take the parts that he wants and leave the rest behind.

How does being “self aware” help minimize the attacks from the buster/predator?  The same way that the woman that is not self aware can turn her friends off and not care, can rub the right guy the wrong way and say “he wasn’t the one for me” is the same woman that is so far on her own page that she doesn’t see the true intentions of the buster.  It is her bullshit ways that have become the bait that the buster uses because they know that given the right “approach” they can and will break her down.

On the total other hand – the mature, progressive, “willing to grow with you” type guy is the one that typically sees the walls, the issues, the unnecessary difficulty, the low-esteem, the inflexibility or brash disposition and would rather not be bothered with all of that.  All of what you may ask?  All of the posturing, extreme ego, insensitivity, lack of esteem, potential conflict that he will notice very early in interacting with a woman if he himself is “self aware.”  Self aware women and self aware men are not predators.  They don’t have time to decipher the code of what makes you tick or burst through the proverbial walls that have been erected.

It is the law of attraction – those things that are alike in life are drawn to one another.  The predator and the prey are drawn to one another.  It is very much like Job 3:25 from the bible “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.”  Many women, I have to tell you – you are running the desirable guys away with your attitudes, lack of humility, lack of grace, lack of self-anything, lack of femininity (beyond sex appeal) and you are attracting the busters for the same exact reasons.  Then those same women are enabling and supporting the behavior of the predators that they are in relationships with and are looking to place the blame on the man.  Every person’s first order of priority is to love yourself, you can not look for anyone to love you more than you are willing to love yourself.

Men and women have a lot of complexities in relationships and again, this letter can not and does not address all of them.  However, if you are finding that you don’t know where “the good men are” or if you seem to attract predators in your life, it’s possible that you may have the entire male species figured out, so you would like to believe.  My question then would be, how much time have you taken to assess your own quirks, idiosyncrasies and ways about you that may drive your friends or a good man to not want to further a relationship with you?  How happy are you with your “this is me” attitude or disposition if “good” men and women may not want to be around you while you’re being you.  When you look at the woman in the mirror, is that your best self or the person that you’ve resigned yourself to be?

Life should be evolving, it should exhibit growth and I’ve seen and observed far too many women who have tuned out the world so much that the only tune that they hear is their own.  The sad part about that is that they’re the only ones willing to play that song because there’s no room for anybody else to join in.

I was raised by three wonderful women (mom, aunt and grandmother) and they are all very strong willed and opinionated.  The thing that I love about them most is that they speak loud and clear, but they also listen in return.  They taught me to listen, not only to myself, but to others.  That ability to listen is what can allow me to be in a conversation with a woman and be able to detect that the primary tune that she hears is her own, there’s really no place for me in that band.

I would venture to say that given the number of men that I’ve talked to about the state of their relationships that I’m “on to something” with this synopsis.  These good brothers find themselves on bad dates and undesirable situations with women just the same way women do.  Here’s the scary part – the buster/predator guys that are bad dates, really don’t care if they are good to women or not.  The buster/predator doesn’t care how you perceive him, if it’s a failed attempt, he’s on to the next victim.  The women who are bad dates, you can’t tell them a damn thing!!  To say that they are not self-aware is an understatement.  The even scarier part is that the dynamics of some (not all, but some) female friendships is that women can’t even keep it real with their girls and let them know how “out of pocket” that their girl is.  Or if they do tell her, she’s not listening.  Additionally, the women who know that they haven’t taken a good look in the mirror intentionally relay stories (by only telling part of the truth) to their girls to get advice from them that fosters their continuance of their less than desirable behavior.

In the end, it’s not up to a guy, your girls or anybody to police your behavior ladies. In the end it’s you.

Let me take this one step further for the women who do move past the “getting to know you” stage and actually develop a relationship with a “good guy.”  The woman who is “self aware” recognizes that once she has started dating a good guy that the journey is not over, it has just begun while the woman that only knows what she likes and dislikes feels like “mission accomplished.”  Far too many women equate fidelity with being a “good woman.” That is to say that as long as she’s faithful to her guy she can act in any manner that she wants (including driving a guy crazy for no reason) and as long as she’s faithful she’s a “good woman.”  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  If you are not aware of how your moods, outbursts, despondence, “shitty tone”, demands, sometimes insatiable or needy behavior is affecting your man you are not being a “good woman” in his eyes regardless of how faithful you are. This is where it becomes most critical that you are “self aware” because your behavior will push a good guy out the door if you can’t police yourself.

To the women who none of this applies to, congratulations to you.  That still doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues to be fleshed out while in the relationship, but at least you’re one step closer to shakin’ the busters and attracting a winner.  To the women that want to know where are all of the good men and why does this keep happening to me, when was the last time you took a look at the woman in the mirror.  When was the last time you heard and received the positive and progressive advice of the men and women in your life, when was the last time you asked somebody “what. if anything, do you think that I could work on to be the best person I could be for myself and in a relationship?”  I would venture to say that women spend an inordinate amount of time griping about how there are no (or only a few) good men out here, but not nearly as much time is spent on being the best that they can be or pointing out issues to their girls.  Again, sometimes they do that and their girl “knows so much” that she’s not listening to the good advice being offered.

I’d like to share that denial is a lose/lose scenario for everybody.  Its great to love yourself and feel good about who you are and I would never want to insinuate that anyone become less of a person to allow room for somebody else.  As men are to be providers and protectors, women are nurturers and sources of comfort.  I’m not saying to give your “gifts” of comfort and nurture to everyone.  However, allow for others to qualify you as you should qualify them without the “all self-knowing” part of your personality disqualifying you before you even get a chance.

Understand that the notion that the “right guy for you” will love you just as you are, despite your idiosyncrasies, quirks, flaws and attitudes that are a manifestation of “this is how I am” (as opposed to general likes and dislikes) is highly unlikely. What’s a general like or dislike?  Basic things like “I don’t like football”, “I would prefer to go to the early church service” as opposed to “this is how I talk, so deal with it”, “this is how I get sometimes” or “I’ve never had to do XYZ for myself, so I won’t worry how to do it now.”  Its not that only “strong” women exhibit these attitudes, a passive woman who doesn’t form her own opinion or appears helpless or “whoa is me” at all times can be just as much of a turnoff for the mature man looking for a progressive relationship.

The fairytale, the “Notebook” (refering to the movie) love affair, the myth that any person male or female will totally accept and more importantly, be fulfilled with another person without regard to that person operating in their best self is again, high unlikely.  It doesn’t mean that a meaningful relationship can not be had, it more so means that the odds of that relationship being with the “ideal” man that was desired/envisioned is very improbable.

Thesis Statement Ladies: Many women say that they are not settling until they find what they want ideally in a man.  However, many of those same women settle on being their lesser selves as a person and potential mate as opposed to finding their best self that would attract the man they feel would be their ideal compliment.

When I speak of settling within yourself I’m not referring to worldly ambition or being “goal oriented.”  I am referring to character and the caliber of “feminine esthetic” that makes a man want to be around and partner with a woman.  There are many ambitious and accomplished women who develop false-pride (as many men do) and lose a fair amount of humility as they accomplish more and also as they feel better about themselves.  Accomplishment and esteem are in direct relationship to humility.  The more you “are”, the more you “do”, the more you “have to offer”, the more humble ANY PERSON (man or woman) should become.  Far too often women gain a stronger sense of self, attain more “stuff” and lose their humility which in turn may be a turn-off to a good guy.  Women deserve to be proud and feel good about what they have done or who they are as women.  There is however a huge difference in being proud and remaining humble.  The right guy will respect you more and possibly desire you more if your confidence and accomplishments surpass the average man without having the “false pride”, “BIG EGO” (pun intended) and “chip on her shoulder” to go with it.

A quick note to the women who have been hurt by guys in the past, let that burden and frustration go.  It is not the next guy’s job to pick up the slack and remove the hurt of your past relationships.  Yes, I agree – this is true of men, as well as women – I got you!!  Again, we’re talking about women here.

So, let me put a wrap on the letter by saying that of course there is no such thing as perfection.  There is an air of compromise, acceptance, patience and tolerance that a relationship will have to endure on both sides.  However, there is a growing contingency of women who are not “self aware” and have attitudes, insufferable dispositions/opinions who refuse to make adjustments in any relationships male/female and even with female friends and these individuals can not figure out why they’re unlucky in love.  The mirror is only a step away.

I also want to say that if your first response upon reading this is “well about what the guys when they” or “if men didn’t do” or “if men would do”, then basically you’re listening to your own song and missed the entire purpose of the letter.  It wouldn’t be surprising if you never heard what anyone said outside of your own voice in your head.  The subject of this letter is women’s issues in a particular area, not men’s issues.

Go to the mirror, put your song on mute, take a long look with both eyes open and ask yourself – “am I the only person that likes what I see”, your soul and your environment will provide the answer – only if you are willing to listen.

Much love and take care of one another – “we all we got”…VA

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65 Responses to “An Open Letter to Women – “The Woman In The Mirror”…”

  1. Exquisite Basketcase Says:

    Let me begin by applauding you on another beautifully written piece. You are on the money. I write as well, but like you alot of people don’t want to hear the truth, therefore this terrible cycle will continue. I would like to say that the behaviors of black men and black women is embedded. It begins in the kind of household you were raised in. It doesn’t matter if you had one, both or neither of your parents. How thse people raised you came from somewhere and so on and so forth. I’m saying too much this is about your observations, and agin you are on point. I believe that each day that GOD gives us is another day to correct some things, ask for someone’s forgiveness and forgive in return. It’s another day to learn from our mistakes so that we can continue to evolve into better people. I love my black men, but believe I have learned a tremendous amount about my relationships and a tremendous amount about myself. I poll guys that I have dated in the past, because we are still friends, and I ask them “WHAT WAS ABOUT ME THAT DROVE YOU CRAZY?”, and I take that and work on becoming a better me! I have a son, and I believe that GOD gave me a son so I could teach him special things about women. I’m done; I need a glass of wine. LOL

  2. Cheryl Smith Says:

    Very excellent article Vince. I have not read the letter to men but wonder just how many men and women who need messages such as these actually read them, digest them and apply the wisdom found within. The most self-aware people tend to have the patience to read thoroughly, willingness to apply and wisdom to know that we all have room for improvement. Additionally, they are also able to do the hard work that is required for self improvement.

    I appreciate this message and will take a good look at my own reflection to make the necessary adjustments to how I communicate, relate and receive the men in my life.

    Much Love,
    Cheryl

  3. DelaynaBrown Says:

    YOU DID IT AGAIN VINCE…hit the hammer straight on the nail!!

  4. WOW! What a superb read! The opportunity to reflect and change is here. I am excited to look at myself to explore the many opportunities for improvement. I read and reflected on every word and my prayer is that I will never be the same as a result of my reaction to such great insight. Thank you and God Bless you Vince!~Kneesh

  5. Vince,

    I enjoyed the read, and agree with everything that you said. One of my oldest girlfriends and I had a great discussion the other day and came up with a startling discovery. I have a circle of girlfriends that I’ve known most, but not all since 2nd grade. The resounding chip that we all have on our shoulders is the fact that we don’t want to be made a fool of. We spend so much time focused on, I can’t look stupid and we don’t do well in our relationships. We are all what you called self aware and refuse to believe that there are some good men out there. We focus on being better in relationships, but that one chip keeps us from being successful in our marriages, relationships and connections. I used to think that every man was supposed to be Superman, like my Dad. I woke up one day and realized he is what we term as old school. This was another shared chip that we all had. We all came from two parent families where Daddy handled his business, he didn’t relate to bitchassedness or insecurities, he provided, supported and schooled us on no good boys and what they wanted. What a man couldn’t give us, Daddy made sure he did. These are important tent poles in why we fail at our relationships, no matter how we try to overcome them, they consume us.

  6. Kimberly Says:

    All I can say is WOW…Very well written and it brought some fresh thoughts to the table on an old issue. The point that struck me the most was the part about which of your girlfriends would you date if u were a man. As I started going through the list and there are definitely a few who would be a no go for the exact reasons that you mentioned. There was definitely a lot of truth in your letter that is going to be hard for us women to hear. But the truth of the matter is that the state of relationships today between men and women cannot just be attributed to one gender. Just as I applauded you and high fived your letter to men, I have to do the same with this letter because it addresses some of the issues that women have. Thanks for your spin on things…It really gave me something to think about as I look into the mirror.

    • This was an excellent article. Making someone take responsibility for their own actions, which may or may not have produced the desired effect expected, is an all consuming job.
      Perhaps having a clue on why women are treated or not treated in a certain way…leaves room for the smart women to take an overall look at herself and the part she played in her relationships.
      I comment you..keep up this very all intrusive informative writing.

  7. Well stated. Wow … the second of three eye-openers. Still processing …

  8. Well said. Message received.

  9. Nice piece! After reading your letter to men, I couldn’t wait for this one. As wonderful as I am (lol)….parts of your letter described me as recently as six years ago. It took a bad relationship to realize I wasn’t playing my part in relationship. But, at the same time I was expecting my man to do his part and all the manly things. I actually prided myself in not doing the womenly responsibilities in a relationship and at times berated my mother for the things she does for my father. Can you believe that?!! Let a dude not get my door or not walk on the outside of the sidewalk when we were together….WWIII. Thinking back….I realize the guy that has the qualities that I desire wouldn’t want the me from back then. I believe I’m fully aware now. I ask myself, would I want to date me. I’m definitely a work in progress! I hope women are receptive to this. Keep the letters coming.

  10. Wow that was really worth the read. I commend you on being a true brother. Your spin on things have certainly given me a lot to think about and pass on to my female friends and family members. We often engage in discussions of this nature and seem to leave the table with a agree to disagree mental state. But you have addressed so many issues that we discuss that I need to bring it up to the round table. Thanks for letting me look in the mirror.

  11. Bro. VA what a wonderful piece, I must agree with everyone that wrote a response on your Blog… MAn I have so much to say about it but will just shake my head and go to a 60’s cliches ( RIGHT ON )

  12. VA, I’ve read both letters and feel you are so on point. Keep it up Bro !!

  13. Both letters were extremely insightful. Relationships of any kind require patience, but more importantly it requires a good understanding of yourself. Great writing VA…

  14. READ THIS AND DAMMIT VINCE, YOU NEED A BOOK DEAL. WE CAN TAKE THIS ON THE ROAD AND SET UP A SIGNING TOUR. ME, YOU, AND CYNTHIA COULD MAKE THIS HAPPENING. WE COULD TITLE THIS “STEVE HARVEY, U WAS WRONG NIGGA, LISTEN TO VINCE”! ON A SERIOUS NOTE, LADIES LISTEN UP. YOU NEW WOMEN ARES SOMETHING ELSE. YALL FEEL LIKE YALL CAN TALK TO A MAN ANY KINDA WAY. AND YOU DONT COOK!

  15. ndApriljoy3 Says:

    Good Job Vince. I am pleased to see a man that has such insight into the fairer sex and that displayed it so tastefully and honestly. As I move forward into adult hood; out of law school and into my career I am beginning to understand LIFE itself differently. I have to admit that I myself am guilty of many of the things you discussed here and with further growth, experiences, perseverance, and most importantly PRAYER, I am more than confident, I am full of faith that my future in relationship endeavors. Again its necessary to be called out every once in a while, it allows you to shine the light on you and get down to the core of your issues. It feels good to be accepted, but if you havent accepted the fact that your best is not always THE best, then you’re just going around in circles. Thanks VINCE! Muah 🙂

  16. Excellent post! I got this link from a friend’s gmail acct and thought to check it out. Some things apply to me and some do not which is always a big YAYYY for me. I read with an openmind and honest look in the mirror. “It’s not what you say but how you say it”….that def applies to me. Very interested in reading your other posts as well.

    Take Care

  17. Vince,
    I had to read this twice to decide if I was going to comment at all. You and I discuss this topic so much that I feel you already know my views. I, like some of the other posters, felt my toes hurt as you stepped on them with parts (part, not all- no matter what you say 😉 ) of your message. The hardest thing is not looking at yourself in your mirror; it’s deciding to make that change (sing Michael). I think it is always easier for folks to see what is “wrong” with others than to make their own self-assessment. I look forward to reading the finding chapter.

  18. Brian Hayes Says:

    VA, once again my man, you nailed it on the head. I hope that both women and men take it in the manner that it was presented, as a tool for assistance. I recognized former aspects of myself in your first letter, and I’ve seen the growth and awareness from that period of time reflected by my cognizance of behavioral patterns in women depicted in your second letter. I too learned many things from the mouths of women, but was unable, or unwilling, to apply those lessons. Now, a wise person will apply this information when their way hasn’t worked, and hopefully people can learn from this free advice that you have provided, assuming that you will not be writing a book anytime soon. 🙂

    • Cheryl Smith Says:

      Good feedback Brian… esp “I hope that both women and men take it in the manner that it was presented, as a tool for assistance.” People will often generally talk about issues between men and women but Vince did an excellent job speaking specifically to both men and women.

  19. VA

    This is so on point and I am a woman….and it saddens me to see many unlady like attributes these days!!!!!

    If you act like a Lady no words need to be spoken your auro will have spokent for you!!!!! Charm and Ettiquette classes might help too LOL

    This is not for the sensative or in denial read only for those that want to evolve and improve themselves into a fulfilling relationship!!!!

  20. Gabrielle Says:

    JOB WELL DONE!!!! I probably could write an entire novel as a response, because I couldn’t agree more. But, I just want to say Thank you for taking your time to share your experiences with others. At the end of the day it’s all about giving back whether that involves monetary, experience, spirituality contributions, it’s about giving your special gift back to the rest of your world and you have truly done that thru your blogs…

    This blog is truly priceless!

    Keep Doing What you are going…
    1-Love,
    Gabby

  21. Hey Vince, this was a serious piece. I agree with what you said. I was reading this saying to myself, “only if I could get this woman or that woman to read this and understand it they’d be OK.”

    Reading this piece feel like a movie played out in my head. The part about women becoming less feminine (not in the physical sense) is so true. The part about them being proud instead of humble rings true as well. As you already know having graduated Whitney Young in 2000, the women I’ve graduated with are well accomplished by now. A great deal of them are single and have no idea how they are perceived by men in general.

    I will pass this along and hope people get the message.

    Great work.

  22. va, what can i say! you are a very very sourceful man. take the book idea..peace to you always and blessings.

  23. […] This post was Twitted by alexanderlevy […]

  24. Some interesting points. However, this is slightly op-sided some of the comments are relative as nothing is absolute. One man might see argumentative and another will see “she is pushing me to my greatness”. It has been said many many times that the very things that urk you are the very things YOU NEED to WORK ON! Unconditional love means you are ready to accept the person they way she /he is and model the behaviors she/he needs to improve. NO ONE comes completely full and finished! NO ONE! It really depends upon what you are willing to accept and help someone work on. Yes you are both grown, but communication s . peaks volumes and moves mountains . . . Some times all you need to do is communicate in a respectful manner with the intent of helping one improve rather than defensive.
    It’s all in the approach and the tone of voice you can get honey and plenty great loving LOL outta a women you judge as the “meanest woman alive ” if you use your words wisely. . .

  25. again…I applaud your efforts and share many of your sentiments. I’ve said before and I’ll say again here, relationships and family values and just our community as a whole will not improve until we heal individually and collectively. I am working towards maintaining my pleasant demeanor despite the acts of previous cats. It’s not easy, but it can be done. I am a romantic that still has hope. That hope sustains me and urges me to as you would say “police myself” more often than not. Let’s all commit to change, one person at a time. I believe we can get this love thing right.

  26. joysrantlist Says:

    Great letter, Vince! I agree with you, and I have been that girl that will tell her friends when I see some “less than ideal” behavior coming from them. I have observed this: women who say they want to live “drama free” are the ones with the most drama in their lives! And women who feel like everyone needs to just suck it up and accept them as is, raw and uncut, can never hear me when I try to explain that tempering this attitude would serve them well. Not just in relationships, but even at work!! I know women who have lost jobs behind poor personality traits (like yelling at coworkers and complaining all the time). They take that same negativity into relationships and then wonder why they don’t get 2nd dates… Kudos on the letter again.

  27. Somedays, my reflection aint’ so purty. (LOL) Most days, it’s just fine and evolving…just like I like it. I’ve always been inquisitive and have made it a point to discover-redirect-retool the parts that I don’t like about myself– using past relationships, experiences, etc. to remind me what not to do. I love Vince more and more as we get older and I’m sooo grateful to be aware, yet diligent about being knowledge-full and understanding.

    I applaud you, Vince …and love your truth-tellin’ self!

  28. Angeline Says:

    Vince,

    In the past, when my relationships and marriage failed, I use to always say that men have no idea of what they want. I’ve since learned that they really do and this piece confirms it.

    There is a woman described in the Bible who had ten coins and lost one. “Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it?” (Luke 15:8). In spite of the nine coins she still possessed, the woman did not stop until she swept her house and found her missing coin. I compare this passage of scripture to your “Woman in the Mirror” because a woman can possess 9 coins meaning she has everything going for herself except for that one important coin called self-awareness. Women, including myself that are unsuccessful in relationships and who longs for “Mr.Right” should take the time to look in the “mirror” and deeply search within herself to bring out those positive qualities that attracts “Mr. Right” and should suppress those negative qualities that runs “Mr. Right” away but attracts “Mr. Wrong”. The woman in the Bible wanted that last coin so very badly that she desparately swept and swept until she found it. Women that are dog tired of being in dead-end relationships and want something meaningful and everlasting will do as you suggested and take the time to look in the mirror and develop self-awareness and those women who don’t will be still crying, “why me?”

    Vince, you taught on what makes a man appreciate a woman, what small details are a big deal in a man’s mind and what inspires a man to make a lasting commitment. With this, I say, THANK YOU! You did an excellent job with this piece.

    Angie

  29. Chinita Says:

    Hey VA- What can I say…another profound and well-written piece! Whether it applies to you or not it’s good to have self reflection from time to time, myself as well. And I hope that women will take the time to review this blog and do just that…

    I had the pleasure of growing up with all brothers; whom were great influences in my life as I matured into a woman. We always have intriguing discussions about men/women relationships. Being so, this has given me a greater understanding of the male perspective about women.

    To me, it’s uncomplicated; treat others as you want to be treated; this is a starting point. I’m not saying that things would be trouble-free; however it would definitely ease some of the un-necessary stresses.

    It was great reading the male and female notes. Looking forward to Pt. III! Much luv!!

  30. Vince, thank you for sharing your thoughts, insights and observation on behalf of single AA women like myself. As usual your raw, un-cut, un-censored candor gives me pause. When you see statistics that show over 60%, probably closer to 70% of AA women are single meaning not married then something is going on.

    I have taken myself out of the game by choice after looking at the pattern of men I was continuing to attract after all these years. Like Oprah pounding her fist on the couch (talking about her weight issue) “I can’t believe after all these years I am still dealing with this”. No longer hiding behind the life gets in the way excuse, “well my career”, “I just lost my mother”, “I just lost my dog” or “I can’t sell my house” no excuse. I will say that when my life is most out of control the men I attract reflect the extreme of the situation.

    I know that when I am most unhappy with me is when I attract men that I like to fix, or someone to meet specific needs or someone quite honestly that I knew wasn’t going to be around long term. I had to finally ask what is going on. I had the gift of being able to ascertain what the downfall of the relationship would be before it even began, interesting. So many of those relationships were so scripted I could have watched on the screen. I made the usual excuse, I was way to nice, or K you’re a bit too deep for these brothers, or your backgrounds are just too different. Nine times out of ten it came back to me and the underlying issue of feeling I wasn’t either good enough or didn’t deserve. This coupled with the pressures of society, family friends questioning why you are still single.

    I like your litmus test of asking which friend of yours would you date and I would have to say not many including myself. I would have to say much of the conversation I have participated in did not reflect women who were self-aware. I have to distinguish the difference between self-aware and self-conscious. One who is self-aware places focus on how they are with others. The one that is self-conscious fears criticism from others. Never-the-less chances are that those interpersonal traits manifest themselves not only in relationships but work, and with family and friends. Look for a pattern people, there should be no surprise. The persona or mask many women wear couched in sarcasm, aloofness, and attitude is akin to a chameleon changing the color of their skin. It is a form of survival and self-preservation.

    It is interesting to see your blog today after having a morning meditation and prayer about this very topic. I sought God on this very topic and await his response. I end with the chorus of Michael Jackson’s Lady in my Life, a song so many of us want to hear. So listen to my heart, lay your body close to mine, let me fill you with my dreams, I can make you fell alright. Baby through the years, gonna love you more each day. So I promised you tonight that you’ll always be the lady in my life…. Kimmie

  31. Andrea Horton Says:

    Vince,
    Very thoughtful blog. When women friends ask me what it takes to make a relationship work, I always tell them communication. I also make them aware that men and women communicate differently, so sometimes the things we say and how we say them seem reasonable to us, but men don’t hear them the way we intend them. A self-aware woman recognizes when she has failed to check her tone/tongue and can take a step back.
    I disagree slightly with this point:
    “Understand that the notion that the “right guy for you” will love you just as you are, despite your idiosyncrasies, quirks, flaws and attitudes that are a manifestation of “this is how I am” (as opposed to general likes and dislikes) is highly unlikely.”
    The man I have been with for the last 10 years does love me despite my idiosyncrasies, quirks and flaws, just as I love him despite his. He does accept that “sometimes this is just how I am”, and we have learned to negotiate the spaces around that. The difference, is that because I am self-aware, and humble, when I recognize that when I am moody or bitchy or acting needy and I have imposed that upon him, I can check myself and then apologize to him for imposing that on him. Nobody is perfect, and despite our constant quests for self-improvement, none of us ever will be. My husband and I constantly communicate. The way you said that women should be able to communicate with their girls, when you love someone, you should be able to communicate with the person you are in a relationship with the same way. Both parties in a relationship also have to learn to recognize how to pick their battles too. You don’t need to bring everything that bothers you to my attention, just what you absolutely cannot live with. If I love you, I will respect that and try to check it…for you.

  32. Excellent post. We have had the opportunity to discuss many of the topics that you touched on in this blog entry. I am always grateful for your candor and the wisdom that you consistently share. I must say that I’m happy to have some of this in writing now so that I can use it as a reference tool if I ever find myself slipping into that “less-than-ideal” state of communication and interaction:)

    Unfortunately, I’ve come across a few “busters” over the years. There was a point in time when I was so frustrated and couldn’t figure out why this was the case. After all (I would say to myself) “I’m a good catch–what was wrong with them?” While I still do believe myself to be a good catch, I’ve since redirected my focus to how I can be a better me rather than on trying to decipher what the heck was wrong with the other parties involved. After taking a hard look at some of my actions and behaviors, I was able to identify areas of growth and take action towards improvement, which is such a blessing. It’s my personal philosophy that there is a growth and learning opportunity in every situation. Staying stagnant is dangerous

    This post is becoming long so I’ll wrap it up with this: I believe that those of us who are single should embrace this season of our lives because God has a plan. My most recent mantra is that “I am preparing myself to receive all that God has in store for me.” I know that He has a plan and purpose for my life and have faith that he wants to give me the desires of my heart, whether that be relational blessings or otherwise. I just want to be in a position to fully appreciate and experience the joy of those blessings when they come.

    Much Love-

    Kellz

  33. Vince, I have felt like the main character in a movie reading the first two blogs of your relationship series — the result of your uncanny ability to describe both the male and female character traits so accurately and vividly. I found my mind wandering to the various “my-life” situations that provide PERFECT flashbacks for the film version of An Open Letter to Women! It’s a safe bet to say most readers would agree based on the replies above.

    Your candid observations are enlightening. I’m pleasantly surprised at the realization that by your standards I would probably score pretty high on the self-awareness, femininity and active-listener scales. However, an open-minded look in the mirror reveals my err-fatal….an apparent blindness to the early warning signs exhibited by the “male predator” (consciously or subconsciously???). If the spirit ever moves you to provide some insight into this phenomenon I’ll be much obliged!

    Keep ‘em coming,

    MJ

  34. Ok, I’ve been sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for Part Two of your Open Letter Series…and this one hit HARD just as I suspected. Kudos to you for being so in-tune with the nature of relationships and specifically for what has been a focus of my coaching practices for the past ten years…SELF AWARENESS.

    As you know and I’ve shared with you and others…I have walked both sides of the dating fence. I left the world of men thinking that I could not find what I needed; having been scorned in the past and after having dated several BUSTERS…I was fed up completely. As a result, I turned to what I thought would be better…dating women.

    During this time, I witnessed every single thing you have mentioned here. I thought dating women would be easier, that they would know what to do and how to be there, nurturing, supportive, compassionate ~ why not…they were women. But what I found during that time…was MYSELF.

    I tried on “several different hats” trying to find the “right one” only to realize that I was NOT the type of person that would be attractive to what I was actually looking for. Luckily for me, while working on my degree in Metaphysics, my coursework took me on a “deep dive” into my psyche and my spirit. What I saw there wasn’t pretty ~ The Journey Through My Heart http://site.anitacharlot.com/Relationships.html ~ was a true eye-opener for me.

    I was forced to deal with myself; face myself and the people around me. I began to get in touch with my truth, ask others to tell me about me…and then looked at those in my immediate circle. If they were not taking accountability for their actions…I decreased the amount of time around them. As I became more in touch with my truth and tried to live that truth with my old crowd…they were not having it. Therefore, as I grew, I had to walk away from those “friendships that were not consistent to who I wanted to become.

    Through ALL of my tenure on the other side, I learned the difference between dating as a woman in touch with her true identity – one that was self aware – and dating as an “Uncompromising Woman” http://site.anitacharlot.com/Uncompromising.html – one that was not budging for anyone based on previous pain or having to be “strong” for so long.

    I took time to get in touch with me so that I could help my clients get in touch with themselves. I work on becoming more and more self-aware and living my life from it. I took the time to learn the “energy of men” and recalibrated my energy to be in alignment. And ladies…alignment doesn’t mean submissive…to me it means wanting to show up clearly as love, to relate with love, to share love…all for the sake of love. Not necessarily to get the man to fall in love…but just BEING LOVE ITSELF. In my practice as the Self-Awareness and Relationship Transformation Coach, I work with clients to assist them in recognizing how they are standing in their own way of receiving what it is they REALLY want since they do not yet recognize who they REALLY ARE!

    Confident, Self-Aware, Compassionate, Nurturing, Loving, Kind, Able to Articulate your truth without being Overbearing WOMAN that you CAN BECOME…show up to grow up and into awareness of yourself…no matter where you are in your life’s journey. You would be surprised at the turn your life – relationships on all levels – will take.

    Vince…Hugs to you…you always have been and will continue to be a wonderful man!!! Looking forward to Part III.

  35. Very well written, insightful.

  36. Can I get an encore, dude we need more (slight remix on that Jay Z cut)!!! This was a very thought provoking piece of correspondence. I, as others have stated, do hope it is received in the context of which its being presented so that someone can be helped and encouraged. One key thing I want to expound upon that I feel you only scratched the surface on is the point of how women interact with one another directly affects our behavior in intimate relationships. Females that are overly competitive with one another, dishonest, jealous, catty, unfaithful, and disloyal will unknowingly carry this negative behavior into the bedroom. We as women don’t realize how how much attention to detail men have in areas we think they’re unware of. Men peep when get on the phone and yap about “girlfriend this and girlfriend that” while we’re rolling our eyes up in our head in disgust reaffirming negative behavior and opinions, while giving phony excuses of why we can’t connect (well, I can’t becaues the baby is sick or girl I have to take my mama to the grocery store). Then, we hang up to call the next girlfriend to gossip and tear each other down. They see how fickle we are when we’re sharing our inner most thoughts and prayers…crying together and pledging lifelong “sisterhood” friendship till the bitter end. Then, we’ll allow something tall dark and handsome to come between a lifelong friendship and make us meet each other in the middle of the streets. What does this show them? It lets them know not to trust our hearts because our emotions are tossed like waves on the sea. It shows them that our thought patterns are irrational and our grasp on reality is “loose” to say the least. Ladies, lets join together and take Vince’s advice by starting with the woman in the mirror, then let’s work on loving our sisters more sincerely, truthfully, totally, and honestly, then we’ll be better equipped a whole to move forward on a better page.

    Of course this is just one component of a the very complex existence of being a real woman; Vince touches on and gives greater detail on several others. I just felt compelled to examine this particular issue as I’ve seen this monster get the best of the best!! Peace and Love Black People!!

    • Catherine J Hughey Says:

      Renita…I could not agree with you more. You need to write a BLOG on that one. Right On-Sista!

      -Cathy

      • Its a really sad condition and state of affairs!!! We are so in denial about what our true issues are sometimes…too busy trying to be what we think some man wants us to be or trying to mask our flaws by clawing at the next woman. To delve even deeper, the most baffling point to me has been when I’ve seen some of the so called most “all together” women wrestle with the greatest insecurities!!! WOW (with my mouth hanging open like Macauley Caulkin)!!!

      • Andrea Horton Says:

        So true Renita. Unfortunately, so true. I have had more female friendships collapse over this kind of dumb stuff than I care to count. I so have a close circle of female friends, but I find it so difficult to expand that circle. I recently have been forging new friendships with women, but it really is difficult to get to know women. I always approach new friendships with women with caution, and from the standpoint that we really aren’t going to get along. Not that I am a hard person to get along with, but I have had such a hard time in the past with backstabbing and insecurities that I just assume that I won’t be able to befriend other women.
        Thanks for expounding on this. I feel you girl!

  37. Catherine J Hughey Says:

    Ok Vince, I just got done looking at the Woman in the Mirror…Whew! I saw a lot of stuff going on in that mirror…1) I probably should have worn my hair differently today but this style will have to do…2) My choice of eye shadow, what was I thinking?… LOL

    On a more serious note…

    I have read and re-read this Blog several times and I am very impressed. Impressed on a variety of its contents but most impressed with your APPROACH, which is basically the message (on a very general level) that you are discussing. Yes we all think about what the other (men/women) has to offer and bring to the table, that’s HUMAN NATURE but before we can even SIT at the table and discuss all of this stuff…is the approach, how we present ourselves or in your words our self awareness! You peeled back so many layers with this one.

    On the girlfriend issue…I have to admit, there have been occasions that I have not shared things with my girls because I did not want to hear their mouth, but mostly because I am a private person and do not like folks all up in my business! I definitely understand your point about the girlfriends.

    I will share this…As for me, I do see my “past-self” based upon the following from your Blog:

    “On the other end of the spectrum is the woman that feels that her opinion doesn’t matter or she constantly relegates herself to whatever the man’s position would be.”

    I say “past-self” because I most certainly was that way with my ex, mostly early on and that definitely explains the nature and circumstances of our demise. You hit it dead on with that…

    I do feel that I am much more self-aware than I was while in that relationship, I also feel that I continue to become more self-aware EVERYDAY, on a much larger scale, not just with relationships. I do not think that anyone can ever be at a place of COMPLETE self awareness. I know you are talking about relationships, but sometimes women stop trying to full-fill or achieve different ambitions and goals because they are not self-aware and like you said, think they got it all together. Self-awareness is some DEEP stuff!

    Well, I know I tend to be long winded at times but I am going to keep this comment short. I want to save my other thoughts for the FINALE!

    JOB WELL DONE! You get TWO THUMBS UP! Again, I applaud your efforts and ability to KEEP IT REAL with us women!

    I hate that I am going to have to wait for #3, you know you got me bittin’ nails and stuff, waiting in anticipation…LOL

    -Cat Woman

  38. Wow…Amen Amen!

    I can relate to what you are saying in this letter. Self-awareness is powerful!

    As a teenager my brothers would tell me I spend too much time in the mirror and I would tell them in the little sister annoying voice “I must like what I see” Well of course that was more about vanity than self awareness.

    After my divorce everyone (including my ex) was so interested in who I was dating. I would tell them I was dating myself and I was amazing. I was the best date I ever had! They all thought I was crazy because I was not in a relationship.

    After a 17 year marriage ends you start to question your self awareness and I know that I needed time to discover my self again before I committed to another relationship.

    Great letter Vince

  39. Well written, well crafted! Again, great piece! I definitely think you are dead on with this…but we MAY have to have a sidebar….lol

  40. OMG!!!! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!!! I couldn’t have wrote it any better, Thank you sir!!!!

  41. Well VA, you’ve done it again! Your first letter to men was great! But I have to admit that I was very curious to see how you expressed your views on women and relationships and I must say you never cease to amaze me! This is definetly written by someone with strong and positive female influences who HAS learned from previous relationiships and really pays attention to women! Cant wait to read the final letter!

    As for this (Wo)Man in the mirror, lets just say Ive broken a few mirrors because I didn’t like what I saw (metaphorically speaking of course) instead of making the changes I needed to make to appreciate my own reflection, but we live and we learn right!!!!! And your message couldn’t have been any clearer! LOL, alright done with the play on words! Thanks so much for your insight!

  42. Hey VA,

    I’m leaving a second reply to this letter because I wanted to share a break-thru that I had concerning a relationship problem that has been a reoccurring theme in my life. After reading and re-reading the paragraphs about traits women exhibit that attract the predator/buster, I have uncovered a characteristic that has actually caused me to gravitate toward the predator in favor of many “good-men” that have been interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I have concluded that your theory IS correct in my case.

    I am much more egotistical than I had previously believed, but not in the sense that I display an outward lack of humility, or have a selfish-attitude. I say I am egotistical because deep down I have honestly believed that my “integrity, good judgment, wit, feminine charms, etc” could bring out the best in my mate; that my love and support would be such a positive influence that I could help a “buster” become a better man. How arrogant is that? Ego…the belief that “I’m so amazing I can transform a man and create a diamond out of a lump of coal.” I am also one of those people that loves a challenge, so the “challenge” of turning someone into a better man has been appealing, but in hindsight very misguided as it stemmed from my own ego. You are also right in that a predator would have recognized my “bleeding-heart” eagerness to try to transform them and would be happy to sit-back and reap the benefits of my gentle, nurturing efforts. It’s truly a new level of self-awareness and something that I will have to address. Only God can transform a man, so in the future I’ll leave that work to Him!

    Thank you, again! Your thoughts and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (as well as the replies from other readers) have really added value to my life by helping me to be more open and honest with myself.

    Kindest Regards,
    MJ

  43. What I enjoy most about reading blogs is that they encourage dialogue. The question of who of your friends would you date if you were a guy? Talk about making u stop in your tracks. My general comment is that I think more couples need to spend time in learning the Word and how God can help you navigate through life. You cannot be the best mate for someone else if you do not know your purpose here on earth. If more people spent time READING A BOOK and less time watching TV they would be better off. Stop looking for your role models on the tube. I was not baptized until 2006 so I have not always been religious, but what I can say is that reading scripture and serving God has helped me become a better person and as such a better mate for my husband. God at the center gives our lives clarity…no power struggle at my house. My husband is the head and I am good with this becuase he is a REAL man and capable of taking care of me and all my needs. Keep up the conversation is is very healthy.

  44. Cynthia Says:

    Hey Vince,

    WOW what a powerful piece!! I haven’t had a chance to read the others yet but they are on the agenda. Talk about reflection….. I think that is what God wants us all to do so that we can evolve into the person he wants to be. We must be careful what comes out of our mouths. “But those things whiich proeed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.” (Matt: 15:18). We must be careful what we speak into our own lives as well as into the lives of others.

    Keep stirring up your gifts and sharing them. I’m passing this on. Amen for healthy relationships and continually striving toward them whether you are married or not.

    Take care & God bless.. Look forward to reading the others.

    Cynthia

  45. Concitta Says:

    This letter hits ALL the nails on the head…

    It describes stages that I’ve gone through, am probably going through, and hopefully will get through. There’s a great song by Aretha that would nicely accompany this piece, pretty much saying that the things we dislike in others are frequently the things we hate in ourselves…

    Thanks for this input…there’s nothing like thruth from the opposite sex…much appreciated! Now I need to go print it and pull out my favorite hi-lighter—I’m sure I’ll have more input later!!!!!!!

    =)

  46. VA – Yes, yes, yes… All points taken to heart. I think all the women reading this can take something from it. I definitely can. I have heard so many great women complain about not meeting the right man. I have lately made the same statement. But we definitely attract what we put into the universe. So, if we are attracting undesireable people, we are clearly presenting ourselves in that same light in some area of our lives. I agree 100 percent. Great read. You da man!

  47. I’ve just gotten around to reading both the letter to men and the letter to women (and can’t wait to read the last one) and as usual, you’ve impressed me. Awareness is a WONDERFUL thing isn’t it. It allows you to recognize both the faults and great things about not only yourself, but others as well.

    This was great. I’m off to read the conclusion!!!!

  48. Stacy L Says:

    The capacity of a woman
    goes beyond the physical.
    It stems from the emotional
    the mental, the soul.
    It is what she puts in
    as well as what she gives out.
    Our process
    is never ending.
    It is truly in the journey
    The ability to be aware
    of the power of being a woman.
    We are so many things
    to so many people.
    And that is why
    it is so important
    to always be in a position
    to learn and grow
    from what life gives you.
    Within every negative
    There is a positive
    That is waiting to be explored.
    Nourish your soul
    Nourish your mind
    Realize true beauty
    Will always start within

    Thank you Vince

  49. LaSandra Says:

    Vince

    Iapplaud your ability to speak the truth.I personally do not understand why so many women want to blame men for their problems. I am single by choice and I know I must first learn to love me unconditionally before I can place that exspectation on anyone else. There are roles in relationships and women need to recoginize.

  50. This letter was truly inspirational for me. I carefully read every single word and even took notes. This was almost like “tough love”, we women need to hear these things every now and then to give us a reality check. The old saying comes to my mind, “When you know better, you do better”. Thank You!

  51. Better late than never…(lol)!
    This read was refreshing in the sense that it reminded me of a discussion i had with a girlfriend of mine who is trying to “make room” for a new relationship shes about to encounter in terms of making space in her home for him. Got me from talking about how to effectively share closet space (while still maintaining more room for shoes, lol)….to “making room” menatlly, and being ready to assume the responsibility of a real, grown, adult. healthy relationship. The “its not just about ME and what IM used to doing” part of it……more like the “ok, how would this decision positively/negatively affect OUR relationship” part of it……
    Being “that” lady that is so aware and secure in her good will and intentions, that even if no one else can see it but her and God, she is ok with it! But being the good man that he is….im certain he will notice…..
    Ok gotta go V.A…..gotta see what Johnny Drama and the guys are up to! lol….

  52. James Hannah Says:

    Great piece, Vince. Sorry I’m JUST getting to it. Been super-busy rewriting a screenplay. I agree 110% with everything you said. Ive said all these same things on Truthpaste, but not with your tact and smoothness.

  53. […] my 3-part relationship blog in the “Open Letter To Woman – ‘The Woman In The Mirror’” (https://djvinceadams.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/an-open-letter-to-women/.) For the sake of brevity I will not rehash my observations from that entry, but I do offer it as a […]

  54. “The buster/predator sees you as a project, a thing to do, a conquest and is willing to engage in the game of “this is me” because he wants to destroy you or at least take the parts that he wants and leave the rest behind.”

    man…somebody don’ raised you right.

    we know there are alot of you out there, you have no idea how great it is to be reminded.

    your sisters are smiling on you. 🙂

  55. Great post.. this is really a great information..This will be useful post.. I will comeback for more..

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    gadgettechblog.com

  56. I truly enjoyed reading this. This spoke to my heart. And I appreciate you for writing, yet, another AMAZING blog! I look forward to reading more….

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