The Myth of “The Representative” ~ Are We Really “Dating In The Dark?”

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Phantom Opera Mask

Yesterday was an interesting day.  I was ready to put together a new blog, but I had about 4 concepts running around my head as to what I would actually write about.  I updated my Facebook status and I stated that I would be returning to the topic of men/women after writing a few blogs about other matters.  This status update received a variety of responses including one from Elizabeth who requested that I write about the “dreamland stage” that people are in for 6-12 months before they discover the “real deal” of how their girlfriend/boyfriend really is.  I responded to her that I didn’t really think that the perpetrating of a false position with people really lasted that long at all, definitely not for men and that I couldn’t see writing about the subject.  I did thank her for the suggestion.

Also on yesterday I watched a new ABC dating show for the first time called “Dating in the Dark.”  The premise of the show is that 3 men and 3 women meet in the dark (I mean no lights, total darkness) and they pair off to see if they can establish a connection with one another totally through interaction without the benefit of seeing who they’re “dating.”  Eventually, the couples get to see their potential partner for a few seconds and then determine if they would like to pursue a “getting to know you” situation or if they want to break out and not continue seeing the person.

I won’t get into the specifics on what took place on the show, but when I put these two events (the FB status response and the concept of the show), it really made me think.  Looking at “dating in the dark” as a metaphor for the so-called “representative” that some people are accused of having – made me wonder: do people really have representatives in 2009?  My personal belief is that for men and women the answer is no.  2009 is the new age of “keeping it real” and often times many people are keeping it SO real that they’re not bothering to go through the “I don’t want you to be disappointed with who I really am” efforts that people went through just 5-10 years ago.

Ok, I can hear somebody shouting “I disagree, I went out with this guy/girl that did yada yada” – right, I hear you, but let me explain.  We can ALL agree that there are no absolutes when it comes to human nature, so people could never be lumped in a category.  Therefore, YES, there are some manipulative people who purposefully set out to create an image or impression of who they are that is false and it is done consciously and deceptively.  YES, there are people who lie or avoid the truth on things that may be considered undesirable or embarrassing.  I could go on, but I think that you get the fact that there are people who definitely misrepresent themselves intentionally or create “the representative” to lure someone into a false sense of believing that they are something or someone that they truly are not.

So let me say for the record – there are two types of people – genuine and posers.  We know that genuine tends to have a positive connotation, but it is not good in all instances and I’ll speak to that later.  Posers are what we would consider representatives.  However, posers wear the mask and if you look at the right gaps, you will become like a collector of fine gems, they can tell the real from the fake.

I want to now section this entry off into 3 parts: representatives generally speaking, the myth of the male representative and the myth of the female representative.

Representatives Generally Speaking

Generally speaking there is a getting to know you process that any new couple goes through.  This process may specifically address “what are your intentions in getting to know me” or it may just flow and take on a life of its own.  This process may contain email, social networking, text messaging, phone calls, face to face meetings – there’s no limit to the combinations that could be put into place with all of the conventions in 2009 that honestly didn’t exist 10 years ago to the extent that they do now.  Understand that technology has totally changed the landscape, premise and guise upon which we interact with one another – I digress (maybe that’s another blog), but the fact remains that “things done changed.”

My reason for stating this is that we now have so many variables in a person-to-person interaction that the rules of engagement have practically flown out the window.  Twenty years ago there was no email, people didn’t have cell phones or text messaging.  Now with the “instant gratification” of immediate interaction it is very easy to establish a chain of communication (daily interaction on email, text messaging, etc.) that goes along with the newness of any new “thing.”  It is not my desire to refer to people as “things”, but I do it to say that as humans we do get excited over new “things.”  There is an old school saying that says “you shouldn’t start anything that you’re not willing to continue or to be consistent with.”  The only caveat that I would put in place with that rule given the conventions of 2009 is that if many people talked, emailed and texted to one another for 5 years like they do in the first 3 weeks of being excited about one another – they wouldn’t get much done in those 5 years.  As much as I agree with the rule, I think that as people that we have to build some allowance for the honeymoon effect of constant contact to wear off after some time has passed.  I will soon write a blog about how to “properly” date, but again, I digress.

This is important to see because there are many instances where people say “in the beginning he was blowing my phone up everyday.”  There are many ways to handle that, but that’s not the subject of this entry.  My point specifically as it relates to this level of interaction and communication in general is that we have to build a certain level of tolerance, understanding and reason into our expectation that says that if you’re doing something with somebody at an “above average” rate, the chances of that thing continuing over an extended period of time are pretty low.

So, the question can be asked, was the person sending their representative out on those calls, dates, emails with a desirable frequency and the “real them” that emerged later is a different (less consistent) version than the one modeled by the supposed representative?  My answer would be, no, this is not a representative, this is human nature.

As adults, responsible adults, we’ve got to learn how to temper our excitement to create a pattern of doing things (i.e. contact, dates, etc.) that represents a more sustainable frequency – will that always happen, no it won’t.  Also, as adults we’ve got to build a level of emotional maturity that allows us to address these “post-honeymoon” adjustments with understanding and resolve, not resentment and volatility.  I can agree that it is my observation that the fluctuation in communication does come more often from the man.  However, it is incumbent on both people in the relationship to monitor and moderate their interaction in a way that doesn’t set them up to fail in the long run.  It’s like the old saying “an once of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

Generally speaking, both the man and the woman have got to become more cognizant of how early actions can wane or not be maintained for a long term and understand how this could build disappointment when the frequency of said-action slows down.  This is not the work of a representative, this is human nature.  It’s no different than a guy getting excited about the World Series and as its ending he’s now cheering for his favorite NBA or NFL team.  Also, it’s no different than a woman who gets a new purse (sorry if purses aren’t your thing, but stay with me) and she wears that new purse often, but a month later she’s ok with alternating after she’s familiar with the new purse.  It’s not a diss, its just human nature.  Bottom line is that we’ve got to not go into these situations eyes wide shut.  Every change of behavior is not a sign of the representative, sometimes its just human nature and time taking its course.

The Myth of the Male Representative

It amazes me often times when I talk to a woman about how much she can’t believe that he “did that” to her.  Based on my conversation, whether I have just met the woman or whether we’re childhood friends, it only takes me a few questions (depending on the situation) to map the “now behavior” that the guy is showing to some prior behavior that was apparent in his behavior in the first 6-8 weeks that she was dating him.

That’s my personal rule, not scientific, but through observation and experience I have seen that if a guy is putting up a front, he typically can’t do it any longer than 6-8 weeks.  Again, there are no absolutes, so there are exceptions.  However, now would be a good time for me to say that I think that man are some of the simplest, crudest, redundant, creatures of habit known to Earth.  Men can’t perpetrate for weeks/months on end because they are such creatures of habit you will know if he’s shady, genuine, trustworthy, volatile or any number of other positive/negative traits.  The signs are there many more times than they are not, the question for the woman is are you seeing what he is showing you or are you seeing what it is you want him to be or what you want to see.

There used to be a point where guys would hide the fact that they were after a woman for their body or for sex only.  Let me let you guys in on a secret: there are so many women out here that are willingly giving up sex for nothing outside of a request that the average “sex monger” these days won’t even waste his time with a woman that he thinks that he has to work to get sex from.  Again, there are gamers/exceptions, but I would like the ladies to understand that there are a fair number of guys these day that are dating with the prospect of getting to know you better and there are guys out here who may simply make it known that they have other intentions in mind.  Although, I stated that a guy won’t apply himself in all cases if he’s only out for one thing, that doesn’t mean that the guy is going to come right out and pronounce what his intentions are.  This is where you have to have your antenna up and pay attention to the signs.

Some inquiring mind might say, “ok what are the signs?”  All I can say is that the signs are a lot more related to your intuition and your common sense than they are to any list that I could come up with.  I think that one of the main problems with women and the myth of the male representative is that so many women are desperate for love and attention that they are out of tune with the good sense God gave them and they don’t heed the signs to leave a situation that they had no business even pursuing.

Hear me out on this one – if a guy is smooth talking and promising his way to your heart, there is a chance that he is sincere, there is a chance that he is not.  What makes the difference in believing what he says?  His character. Do you understand what I’m saying??  It’s the guys character, how he interacts with his friends, how he conducts his business, how he honors his commitments, how he presents himself to the world outside of you – that’s what determines if what he’s saying to you is solid or not.

Essentially men don’t have representatives because they can’t disguise their character.  These posers can be seen and detected a mile away if you can remove yourself from listening to what he says to shift your attention to learning who he is.  If you’re telling yourself “I know how foul he is with other people, but he’s good to me” then you are choosing to be lied to.  Again, I would venture to say that in the overwhelming number of instances of people who date and live in the same city and communicate with one another on a consistent basis that you can get a feel for a man’s character outside of how he is with you by observing how he treats the waiter, how he handles the valet attendant, how he calls back when he says he’ll call back – even the good old fashion “what kind of relationship does he have with his Mom.”  The problem in many cases is that women don’t take the time to get to know a guy and then blame him for being the person that he always was before he met you, while he was dating you and then after the relationship ends, in the event that it does.

With that being said, a little information can be dangerous, so let me temper my statements just a bit.  These observations are not being shared to make women any more paranoid, circumspect or leery than they already are.  Actually, this information used the right way can be empowering because the only thing that is required is that you move your focus from what the guy is telling you directly to observing who he is as a person and you will have a greater scope to determine if the guy is genuine or a poser.  Understand, there is no representative – he’s choosing to show you who he is the entire time you’re with him – the real question is are you paying attention.

The Myth of The Female Representative

Before I start with the section on women, let me state that the following information does not apply to all women.  I have spoken to many women who in a very frustrated tone ask me “where are all the good men if there are any left?”  There are some women that have great attitudes, dispositions and are absolutely becoming.  At the same time there is a certain sect of women that are very much the cause of their own discomfort and frustration and they are as much to blame for not having a man as any statistical data that claims that a good man is hard to find.  I addressed many of these considerations during my 3-part relationship blog in the “Open Letter To Woman – ‘The Woman In The Mirror’” (https://djvinceadams.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/an-open-letter-to-women/.) For the sake of brevity I will not rehash my observations from that entry, but I do offer it as a supplement to the information shared below.

Let me state for the record, I like women, better yet, I love women.  I love looking at women, a woman’s voice, a woman’s touch, the scent of a woman, I could go on.  I’ve been this way most of my life and I’ve studied women to find that the more time progresses the more I’m literally stultified at how out of touch women have become with what really attracts a man to a woman.  It’s almost as if many of them don’t care that they have these major flaws that would be a no-go for a lot of men based on the claim of “this is who I am and I’m just being me.” For real, like really???

These are my observations, opinions and experiences – that’s really the only frame of reference that I can speak from.  It is my observation that women are more clever, observant, tactical and just downright sneaky than men are.  Oh yeah, they’re smarter too because they can move out of character beyond their nature long enough to get a goal accomplished.  Some people may disagree, but hey – I think that women make the best intel because they hold their true position longer in order to gather all the information they want to come to a conclusion or take a course of action.

With that said, in 2009, (many) women are now more dude-like, sloppy, flakey, “keepin’ it real” and “I’m gonna do what makes me happy” than any other time in modern history.  It’s a pretty wild phenomenon, but in 2009 there are just as many women with stubborn, hardcore, guarded and callous positions as there men (generically speaking.)  That would lead me to feel that the 2009 woman actually doesn’t have a representative either, she is so eager to keep it real and tell it like it is that she’s running away the men that actually would be the genuine guy (as opposed to the poser.)  So, that means that the genuine unbecoming disposition of many 2009 women is in effect repelling the genuine 2009 male who would like to date her with a virtuous purpose.  I like to refer to this effect as “when keeping it real goes wrong.”

Keep in mind, my perspective is that women are not putting up a front, they are letting many of their undesirable, repelling qualities (i.e. combativeness, emotionally unavailable, clingy, aloof, etc.) be displayed bright and early in the getting to know you process.  So, with such revelations the question can be asked “are these women bringing ‘their representatives’ to the table or are they being their true selves??”  Answer: unfortunately, they’re just being themselves.  Are there women-posers out there?  Sure, the “gold-digger”, groupie and “out for her self”girl is still out there somewhere, but just like with the guys – if you watch a woman’s character more than her walk/talk you can get to the bottom of what she’s really about.  Devilish people reveal themselves constantly, they just don’t do so always by calling themselves “devilish” – they do show their horns and tail.  This goes for women as well as men.

The major difference between the male issue with “the representative” and the female issue is that women are doing the most “complaining” about the absence of male accountability, but when all of the cards hit the table it appears that women are just as flawed as many of the men that they take issue with.  In addition, it is my observation they are unwilling to make the necessary adjustments to become more desirable in a healthy way that would attract to the type of guy that they would like to connect with.

Going back to the concept of the “woman in the mirror” in many cases the person that let the woman down in a bad relationship was herself for not paying attention to the signs that were omnipresent through most of her dating process with her guy.  On the other hand – in many cases the reason that a woman let herself down during the potential of a good relationship is that she didn’t have the discipline to take the steps to grow to become the person that would be the fit for the guy that she wants to attract.

I can hear the peanut gallery now saying “wow, he’s really giving guys a pass and giving women an earful.”  Let me make some clarifications.  Men cheat, lie, cheat some more and lie about the fact that they cheated.  OK, we got that.  Women want to know why do men do the things that they do – I get those types of questions all the time.  Those aspects of men are known factors and I’ll be honest again, most times the liars and cheaters can be spotted 10 miles away by everybody except for the “victim” because she wasn’t paying attention to his character.  Again, there are exceptions, but in many instances – the woman was the only one who was “in the dark.”

That brings me to this metaphor of “dating in the dark.”  People see what they want to see, but are they (men and women) looking at their own character and scrutinizing and analyzing their flaws and shortcomings as critically as they are the members of the opposite sex.  Women have tons of tons of conversations about how men “aren’t like this” or men “don’t do that”, but women don’t have nearly the number of conversations when it comes to checking themselves on certain behavior.  Are women ready to put themselves under the same microscope that they put men under and analyze what about them keeps this “man/woman thing” way off balance in addition to the inadequacy of men mentally, emotionally and with regard to responsibility.  Ladies, in the end are you misrepresenting yourself not to the guy, but do you really know who you are??

It is my true feeling that we as a people will not get back on track until women become as critical of their own behavior, actions and patterns as they are of men.  Women are the nurturers of the universe, if the analysis does not move from “without” to within we will not be able to move forward.  As with any strong woman, when you are properly calibrated, then and only then will men follow your example.  You can’t expect for men to respect you when he senses that through your guards, attitudes and projections you continue to show a lack of true acceptance, respect and love for yourself.

It may appear that I’m giving women far more harsh reality and giving the guys a pass.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  Let me state that the percentage of men that have pure intentions of dating a woman for the “right” reasons is far smaller than the idiots, gamers, assholes and “no good” men.  Yes, we know that the percentages/ratios of men to women are not in the woman’s favor.  This means that in order for women to have the connection and to be PREPARED for the man that she say that she really wants, there has to be an inventory taken of your own character.  Although there are pockets of men that sit and discuss the conditions of the “dating-sphere”, this is a practice taken up by women in far greater numbers.

Women, does it really made sense to be disenchanted, to complain and overstate the obvious in men when it’s possible that you are spending your time with the wrong guy and don’t have your inventory in order when its time to PARTNER with the right guy?

Again, I love women, but its time to take your own character, short-comings and bad decisions and put them under the proverbial microscope, so that you aren’t blocking your blessings.  These continued discussions of men’s screw-ups, guess what “he did” and the myth of the representative remove the attention from many of the real unaddressed issues that could be worked on.  The good news for you is that most of the men that are clueless will let their idiotic nature be known and you have the criteria to make an informed decision.  The not-so-good news is that most of the clueless women believe that they have all of their ducks in a row and become more concerned with “how they feel” than they are about “getting it right.”  Its time to put the fronts, the projection, the guards and blame aside – only then will we catch a clue and get it right.

We’re not dating in the dark – there are a bunch of asshole men out here with crying girlfriends and she is still seeing what she wants to see.  At the same time, there are a bunch of men in unhappy relationships who would rather cry and moan about the treatment that they receive as opposed to be strong enough to walk away from the situation if it’s truly not in their best interest.

The more important factor comes in the level of accountability that we should all have for ourselves, because in essence, we are the only people that we truly have control of.  Men, is it fair to ask a woman to be more “on the ball” and virtuous than you are willing to be?  Women, is it fair to want a guy to offer you consistency in action and behavior while you can have attitude attacks or flake-out based on a passing mood with regularity and without consideration of what effect that has??

The time for confusing ourselves with this notion that people at the end of a relationship (or even after a date) aren’t the people that they started out being is in my eyes, generally a myth – people are showing their true colors earlier and more often than ever.  We’re not “dating in the dark”, we’re dating with our eyes closed.

Open your eyes, much love and take care of one another – “we all we got”…VA

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24 Responses to “The Myth of “The Representative” ~ Are We Really “Dating In The Dark?””

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  3. Dre Horton Says:

    WHOOO HOOO! You giving us the business aren’t you VA? LOL!
    The last statement about dating with your eyes closed summed it up perfectly!! So many girlfriends cry on my shoulder about how the man changed from the beginning of the relationship, when I told them from jump that dude was not on the up and up! I know I am married (which makes my comments on relationships invalid to some), but I personally believe that too many women have bought into this idea that there is a shortage of men. They would rather cling to a dude who is obviously not good for them, and hope for the best than to be alone. I attracted love into my life by taking time to work on me, and by being unconcerned about whether I was dating. I was having a ball just becoming a better Andrea, and boom…here comes my husband (who I didn’t think was gonna be my husband).
    The theme from your previous blog, The Woman in the Mirror, definately carried through here, but NOTHING IS MORE TRUE. We can’t expect others to be honest with us, and to honor us as women if we cannot be honest with ourselves first! That includes knowing your shortcomings/weaknesses and being committed to constantly working on them!
    LUV IT VA!!!

    • “I attracted love into my life by taking time to work on me”

      I love the way you put that. Because it is so true. More people(mean and woman) need to realize that we attract people, places, and events into are life.

  4. Once again, VA, you are on point…not sure how many ‘hmph’ and leg slaps I did during this one…but *standing ovation* lol

  5. Hey Vince,

    This is a great piece of work. I really enjoyed all of the areas you hit on both men and women. I will agree that both sexes need to do quite a bit of self serching, and take accountability for their own actions. With that I will add that as humans and in our human nature we are all a work in progress, but at what point will either sex complete “A” process??? I look forward to your next blog, keep up the great work and God Bless

    • Dre Horton Says:

      You don’t ever complete the process. It is truly an ongoing thing. We are all flawed, and are not ever destined to be “flawless” as much as we may try. The best we can do is to build awareness and continue to work to try and minimize the effects of our flaws and try to be cognizant of and manage our reactions to the world around us. Introspection is and tough self-love are difficult.

  6. An Eye Opener 4 All…
    Thank You Sir!

  7. Vince, I am always WAITING on your blogs b/c of the insightful things you have to say. I noticed that you try and explain that you are not “coming down” on women, but meerly stating some things that we should open our eyes to. I think you are totally right for doing so. There are so many women that like to “bash” and complain about men, but rarely take the time to really sit back and just observe their surroundings and the person taking interest or vise versa.

    Again, thank you for this. There are many men/women who should take heed to this and use it as a tool to just take a moment and look in the mirror and evaluate/re-evaluate situations they are in, would like to be in and the people they want to be in those situations with.

    much love,
    Missy K.

  8. This was a very interesting piece. It’s always enlightening to hear about theories about relationships from a males perspective, so thanks!

    A few things:
    I think in general both women and men are “expected” to know how to act in relationships without any examples of what a good relationship looks like. Where are the examples? A lot of what we learn as human beings come from our environments. It would be interesting to see how someone who came from a household with both parents who had successful relationships would approach a relationship compared to those of us who were raised in a single parent household.

    Quoted from your blog:
    “It is my true feeling that we as a people will not get back on track until women become as critical of their own behavior, actions and patterns as they are of men.”
    – shouldn’t this also apply to men? when will men be accountable to their actions? I think it’s become acceptable these days for men to get away with things b/c well…they’re men. No, you all are “human” just like women, and every “human” should be held accountable for their actions. These behaviors that women exhibit aren’t manufactured out of some scientific lab, lol – they are learned behaviors, a result of their experiences, some of which were not positive ones – which in turn create patterns of mistrust, low self-esteem, insecurity, etc… Now I agree as humans we should be accountable to our own behaviors and not let other people or experiences dictate who we choose to be, but men just as well as women need to be present to that. More men need to be examples of what a “good man is” and not the opposite. Most women don’t even know what that looks like…if you’ve never seen it or experienced it, how can you know it when it finally comes to pass?

    “You can’t expect for men to respect you when he senses that through your guards, attitudes and projections you continue to show a lack of true acceptance, respect and love for yourself.”
    – Ok, so the problem has been identified. So how do women get past this. Some are bitter, have baggage and are harboring ill feelings about their past relationships. So where does the healing begin. I agree that it’s an internal process that requires women to really hash out their issues and first find peace with them. Second it takes falling in love with yourself. Women spend so much time being caught up in men that they don’t even know who they are anymore. I’ve heard this a couple of times – but…date yourself! If you don’t like spending time with yourself, why would someone else. Lastly, women need to get comfortable being alone – you dont need a man to complete you or offer you any type of contentment. Be content with yourself first and let him be the compliment.
    How do you let your guards down? I don’t think having your guards up is something we do consciously. For me I’ve been told that I comse across as “stand offish”, that I have some serious guards up, but I never knew that. So now I have to make an extra effort to be conscious of that and also not only checking myself to make sure the the “real me”, flaws, good parts and all are present and encourage the guy to do the same as early on as possible. And when I say the real me, I don’t mean to air out all my dirty laundry and expect him to pay for my past, but the “me” that’s a work in progress, that’s still growing and evolving.

    Alright, Ill stop there I could go one, but I won’t.

    Thanks again!

    • Dre Horton Says:

      Tanisha,
      You make great points! As a person who comes from a two parent household, and is married to someone who comes from a two parent household I will tell you that it does help to have models of health relationships. Does it make it any easier? I’m not sure. Relationships are work! Part of the work does have to do with building self-awareness and being open and willing to acknowledge your flaws, and to be conscious of when and how you are imposing your flaws on someone else. For example – I can be quick to snap on my husband, when it’s not him I am really upset with, but with other things. I have to be cognizant of that and willing to apologize when I do that. Having to be cognizant has made me realize that that is a flaw and I need to work on it. I saw my mom do the same thing to my dad, but also saw them work it out.

  9. Milo Edwards Says:

    Vince, speaking the truth is easy but getting people to acknowledge, accept and make a behavioral change is a whole different thing. “We’re not dating in the dark, we’re dating with our eyes closed!” That is so on point! People need to open up their minds and free themselves from the bondage they’ve placed themselves into. Mind the gap between, who you are and who you think you are. Tell yourself and others the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Your experiences with others will become more meaningful!

    Keep bringing forth knowledge Vince!

  10. This takes a bit of time reading, but definately worth it! Definately an eye-opener and as they say, “real talk”. Thanks for sharing.

  11. Once again you did a great job in keeping to the concept of relationships of the Human aspect, not to diss, but provide perspective in gender based issues of communication.

    I loved how you pointied out some areas of improvement for male/female from your observations and experiences. Holding each to their own responsiblities for their actions and consequences!!!!

    In order for a more equalitarian society that could include more Love and all it entails exploring ourselves first then we learn to love unconditionally we can overcome the battle of the Genders “The Chalice & The Blade” motives that have been going on for centuries a challenge, if we dont open up our minds to the possiblities that we are stonger as a Harmonious Union!!!!

    I for one welcome it and am opened to learning more.

    Thanks you sharing your candid insights is refreshing!!!!!

  12. I stand corrected.

    Period.

    Awesome blog-

  13. Erica Mosely Says:

    Nice blog, VA! I wish there was an audio version that could play in the background while I am doing work in my office. A thought, eh?

    But as for future topics, how about: courting vs. dating – what’s appropriate for 2009?, Agape love – What is it and should it be the goal in all relationships?, The give and take aspect of relationships – What’s normal and appropriate?

    Just a few ideas. Good luck!

  14. foxbrownfox Says:

    Man… you ended it with the global sentiment…
    Open your eyes, much love and take care of one another – “we all we got”…

    This is such a great piece. You’re probably gonna catch hate mail, but that’s cuz you hit on all the nerve with this joint.

    I need to read the letter now.. excuse me, taking a moment. 😉

    amazing… for real.

  15. Hey…thanks for this great read! I enjoyed so many parts of this, especially the beginning. The analogy of the “newness” to the newness of a purse hit a home with me.
    It’s no different than a guy getting excited about the World Series and as its ending he’s now cheering for his favorite NBA or NFL team. Also, it’s no different than a woman who gets a new purse (sorry if purses aren’t your thing, but stay with me) and she wears that new purse often, but a month later she’s ok with alternating after she’s familiar with the new purse. It’s not a diss, its just human nature.
    (and YES purses are my thing!) lol.
    I been a victim of this train of thought a few times. Working on that…….

    I can understand why you would feel some women have resorted to acting “dude like”
    with all the ‘Act like a lady-think like a man’ situations out here, its almost like im gonna get you before you get me, or if i show no feeling than i cant get hurt, and that sucks cause it could be some really great like/love stories unfolding if the power to read minds were activated! We could all see that behind the stone and steel walls of pride theres just a lil fella or girlie that wants affection…….

    Its gonna get better out here….im sure of that….it has to cause we all we got!!

    —<@

  16. Vince,

    This post couldn’t have been timed better. You make an excellent point about so many females going into “no representative” mode, and just being overly casual, and crude about how they approach the dating situation. This is absolute reassurance of ways “not to be”…thanks for sharing this, I’m always open to hearing the male approach to things—because as a female, I’m clear, that I’m wired differently.

    Also that “new” concept, and frequency of communication was well explained—I think a lot of people forget that, and assume that things take a serious dive…but it really is in face human nature. I’m learning that when the couple is clearly conscious of the “pacing” situation, things are smoother, and things of being more realistic—it’s ALL in communication. Some really sound insights here, I’m glad you resent this out this morning…I actually started reading it on my bberry during my commute this AM, and finished it up at the office.

    Thanks for this, ‘cause you’re right—we all we got! We have to constructively be proactive when it comes to healthy relationships among ourselves and our loved ones, to make progress in other areas.

    ciao!
    contessa*rose

  17. Vince,
    Interesting reading. The only part I guess I “take issue” with (for lack of a better way to put it) is the question “Are you seeing what he is showing you or are you seeing what it is you want him to to be or what you want to see?” As we very recently discussed there are sometimes instances when a man (or woman) is responding to a person in a way that they know is deceiving yet they are not telling any lies or making any misrepresentations. What they are doing is feeding into what the person already believes and not steering them towards the real truth- yet the words and the way they are presenting them are truthful. I think this is dangerous and probably happens more than I want to be made aware of. This type of behavior, no matter how harmless the intention, is what causes a geniune distrust and feeling of extreme vulnerability in some women.

  18. VA..you continue to amaze me with your incredible insight!! keep the TRUTH flowing!!!

  19. I enjoyed the read as always!! I was in a state of shock once leaving a long-term relationship and entering the dating game. It’s so different, lack of respect and morals are more prominent than ever. Yes, there have been times in my experience (and those around me) where the warning signs were there early on. It has also been times where the signs weren’t visible until much later… It’s easier to see the faults within someone else’s relationship than noticing them within your own.

    Dating isn’t a joy for me. Lately- I’ve been dating myself, trying to live right and enjoying what life has to offer! My blessing shall come…

    Looking forward to the next blog… Peace, Love and Happiness! 🙂

  20. Vince: I love, love, love your ability to be direct & honest. But I strongly dislike that I can’t put my VA AUDIO on in the car to “talk to me & gently remind me” when my stupid girl inside shows up. As we wait patiently to hear what you have to say, why not share en masse via print as well? I’m just sayin’…

    ESSENCE . WRITER’S GUIDELINES
    Thank you for your interest in writing for Essence. To submit your ideas, please write a query letter that explains your story concept, proposed story length, possible experts (if it is a reported piece) and why this idea would appeal to the Essence reader. Query letters should be no more than one page in length, and should be addressed to the editor whose section interests you at Essence Magazine, 135 West 50th Street, New York, NY 10020. Be sure to include a daytime telephone and, if you have one, an e-mail address.

    Health, RELATIONSHIPS and Food: Lynya Floyd
    This section accepts queries for first-person essays, health news and trend reports,health , sex and relationships features and food essays.

  21. As usual fam, right on point. I always believe one must check themselves before they can attempt to check another. I know many that attract losers and people they say they don’t want and I always tell them to see what it is about them that brings these people to them. The laws of the Universe will never change..we are what we attract. Period. It may not always be clear at first but definitely pay attention..you said it..OBSERVATION. Many willingly sit in a state of blissful ignorance, choosing to turn a blind eye to things that their instinct tell them is “off” a bit thinking the person will “change.” Okay, its 10 years later and you still complaining about this person..duh..they showed you who they were a long time ago..but you didn’t want to accept them at face value.

    I could go on and on. Good shit Vince!! ❤ xoxo

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