The “Ugly” Truth About Men – What Women Should Really Ask Themselves…

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Ugly Truth

The “Ugly” Truth About Men – What Women Should Really Ask Themselves…

I make it out to the movies on occasion and I saw the movie the Ugly Truth while it was in the theater.  As much of a “movie” as it was, it was pretty accurate in some of its depictions (at least in my opinion) about what draws and repels men/women to one another.  This train of thought led me to the realization that sometimes despite a deeper-than-surface level understanding that women have of men, they still tend to be filled with questions about why men do what they do.

On another note, writing the blogs that I have written over the past month or two has really been about discovery, not only for me, but for the people who take the time to read my “long-ass blogs” as they’ve been called.  I really don’t mind the reference to them being “long-ass blogs” because they definitely are, but that statement is quickly followed up with the fact that people find them interesting – which I definitely appreciate.  Another observation that some women have made is that I seem to direct a lot of my focus and attention to women when discussing relationships in my blogs.

The next connection with this point is that it may seem as though I’m absolving men of the responsibility and accountability that comes with the collapse of this “man-woman” thing that we just can’t seem to get right.  I think that it’s important to understand at this time that – well, I’m a man.  In me being a man I think it’s safe to say that in many cases that I may have an inside track on what men think about, what they focus on or even what motivates them.  It’s because of this understanding that I channel my communication and direct it to women.

Before I get into the “Truth About Men” let me ask a few basic questions to frame my position.  Do we think that the target audience for TV shows such The Oprah Winfrey Show, Dr. Phil and other shows that discuss relationship and human-interest topics are geared toward women or men?  Do we think that movies that focus on relationships such as “When Harry Met Sally?”, “You’ve Got Mail”, “Sex and the City” or “The Proposal” are geared toward women or men?  Lastly, do we think that books like “The Rules”, “He’s Just Not That Into You” or even more obviously, “Think Like A Man, Act Like A Woman?” are geared toward women or men?  I think that when positioned in this manner the answer to all of these questions overwhelmingly is that these different forms of media are primarily geared toward women.

Let me kill two birds with one stone by explaining why I gear my communication toward women and why the target market for these multi-media products are women.  Drum roll please…….

The reason that I, as well as these other outlets, address women as opposed to men is that women are the number one consumers of “caring” in the world.

What exactly do I mean by this?  Let me explain in brief.  For the purpose of this argument there are two different kinds of men.  The first kind of man is the man who actually cares when it comes to male/female relationships.  What does he care about?  He cares about how you feel, he cares about applying his best in the relationship and he cares about getting it right.  Then there is the other kind of male which doesn’t care.  What doesn’t he care about?  He doesn’t care about how his actions affect you, he doesn’t care about how you feel and he doesn’t care about much beyond getting his own needs met.  Here’s the big shocker (which won’t really shock anyone) – I would be willing to say in a very unscientifically-studied manner that the percentage of men who don’t care is very far and above a greater percentage than the percentage of men that care.  You’re shocked – I can tell.

So, to specifically answer the question of why I along with the overwhelming majority of information based outlets don’t gear “our message” to men is that they simply don’t care.  Now, let me clarify, as I stated there are a percentage of males who in fact do care about these things.  They are out there and they are looking for healthy and whole relationships where they can apply their energy and effort in a progressive manner to foster a happy relationship.  HOWEVER, what me and these other outlets understand and recognize is that it is a waste of time, energy and effort to direct a message to people who are not listening and furthermore could care less about making the shift to a more progressive, collaborative and self-less approach to relationships.

On the surface it could appear that this means that I’m absolving men from the responsibilities that they play in the degradation of the male/female experience, but this is definitely not the case.  I understand that the best application of my understanding and insight is to address the audience who actually has an ear toward progressive/adjusted behavior regarding relationships.  My job as a blogger is to catch the ear of those looking for a message.  As a person, I would not consider myself an optimist when it comes to all things although I overall maintain a positive attitude.  I also wouldn’t consider myself a pessimist because of my desire to see a better outlook than the one that may initially be presented.  I would call myself a straight-up realist in that I see things as they are, make an assessment and then make the appropriate moves based on the assessment made.

Do I feel that men play a significant role in the decay of the state of male-female relationships, especially in the Black community?  No doubt.  Do I feel that reaching out to brothers to let them know what they’re doing in many cases is disrespectful, negligent and deteriorating the fabric of our communities is important?  Sure I do.

Let’s get this straight though.  It is an exercise in futility to shout to the deaf.  The “Ugly Truth About Men” is that they are creatures of habit who are driven more times than not by primal needs, certainly not emotional ones.

This takes me to my point of what women really should ask themselves instead of asking me.  I get questions like the following:

  • Why do you address women more in your blogs than men when they are just as culpable?
  • Why do men not take responsibility for their actions when they do things that aren’t fair and/or appropriate in a relationship?
  • Why do men cheat?
  • Why can’t men settle down?
  • Why do men say they are in to you and then change their script?

I don’t think that it takes an English major to see that the one common trait that all of these statements/questions have in common is that they start with the word “why?”  I think that most men in general cringe at women-originated questions that begin with the word “why.”  Reason being is that if you truly think about it, unless the subject is something with absolutes (like math or science) the word why has a very subjective and nebulous answer associated with it.  I think that if you just look at the five questions above there is really not a single answer that could be given that would satisfy women across the board.

It is for that reason and many more that I have come to the conclusion that most people are mislead into thinking that getting answers to questions is the best mark or indication in making progress. That’s actually one half the case. The true mark or indication of making progress is not solely in the answers we get, it’s in asking the right questions. Many people (especially women by the sheer nature of being “question oriented”) fail to realize that people often times ask the questions that “quietly” push them to doing certain things regardless of whether that “thing” is for the best or not.

For instance, it is a far different question to ask “What is the benefit/detriment of me remaining in this relationship” as opposed to “Why does he do this/that when he said that he wouldn’t do it anymore?”  Let me break it down – the word “what” immediately calls to mind tangible and concrete concepts, while the word “why”, as stated before, is a much softer and indirect/intangible word.  Also, by directing the question asked to yourself as opposed to outside of yourself there is much more control that is being assumed for the next step in your process.  By turning the question within there can be a sense of empowerment taken for the next course of action as opposed to the helplessness that trying to figure out why someone who is doing something that doesn’t work for you continues to act in that manner.

The important thing to take from this offering is that the words that you use to form your questions about your life can either empower you or hand your power over to the whims and actions of another.

I think that its natural in moments of frustration and wonderment to ask why the opposite sex behaves the way they can at times.  Its natural and I’m not saying that as an inquiry that it doesn’t have its place.  However, after the initial frustration, the progressive person has to understand that the most important thing that they can do is assess the impact that a person, situation or relationship is having on their life and what are their next steps to remedying the situation.  Although relationships are with 2 people (at least let’s hope so), you have to understand that your behavior is the only behavior that you totally have control over.

That brings me to my next concept which ties the topic “The Ugly Truth About Men” with “What Women Should Really Ask Themselves.”  The tie for me in these two topics is that I know who I’m writing to (primarily women) and why I’m writing to them (because they care in many cases to create a progressive relationship.)  This means that I have in essence “sorted” my audience to say “this is who I’m looking for to share my message.”  In much the same manner, women need to understand that they are not in the business of conforming, transforming, reshaping or creating a man.  The man that you want to be with may not come to you in his completed form, but the question that should consistently be asked is “Is this the man that cares or is this the man that doesn’t care?”

As I explained earlier there are essentially two different types of guys – those who care and those who don’t.  The basic point that most women miss is that they are not in the business of understanding why men do what they do, they are essentially in the business of sorting.

What exactly is sorting?  Sorting is very quickly asking yourself, not the man, does his character, his traits, his treatment of you and his essence as a man fit the mold that you see as being a partner for you to look toward developing a fulfilling relationship.  Far too many women at the end of one bad date and especially a bad relationship spend a significant amount of brain power, emotion and energy trying to figure out “why” he did what he did.  Now, I truly believe that evaluation is critical in understanding what it is you want to attract moving forward and assessing what may have gone wrong after an experience.  However, the trick to not recreating these situations is to properly assess the situation as opposed to asking the typical “why did he” questions which doesn’t retain your power – it gives it away to the person who frustrated/hurt/disappointed you.

ONE TO GROW ON: men do the majority of dumb things that they do (i.e. tell stupid lies, walk up to you at the club and ask you to buy them a drink, attempt to impress you with what they think you want to know/hear, etc.) because there is some woman out there who will go for it.  Instead of losing sleep, wasting time and zapping neurons wondering and asking why they do this, just understand that it’s a method of operating and keep it moving, you’ve got better things to concern yourself with.

I want to share some examples of questions that women specifically can ask as it relates to their dating/relationship situation.  A couple of things first – one, I’m presuming that the woman is fair, reasonable (i.e. not on some diva/princess/extra stuff, that she is looking to come to the situation contributing and sharing, etc.), that she is not just taking away from the situation and she is looking to be a desirable compliment to a “good guy.”

Some very empowering questions to ask yourself that don’t allow you to BS yourself at any point in a “getting-to-know-you” situation or relationship are:

  • Is this someone I, in my gut, feel I can trust?
  • Do I find myself making excuses for his poor behavior?
  • Do I find myself disappointed and on the end of broken promises or treatment that I feel is not in line with what I feel is fair or desirable?
  • Does his path in life seem to be in compliment or contrast to where I am headed or even where I pictured my partner to have their life directed?
  • Beyond feeling good with this person (if you get to that point) is this a person who I feel is good for me?

If you contrast these questions to the “why” questions that I shared earlier above there is one stark difference that these latest questions have that the “why” questions didn’t have – they can all be answered with a yes or no answer.  If you’re asking questions like “why” did something happen or “why” did someone do x as opposed to y you are actually inviting not only the person to lie to you, but more importantly – you are inviting an opportunity for you to lie to yourself by “crafting” an explanation to sustain where you want to go as opposed to where you should go.  Also as important, by providing the answers to questions like the ones just shared you are very clearly able to determine by the “yes” or “no” provided if the man you’re dealing with is one that cares or one that doesn’t care.  That means that if you find yourself making excuses for his behavior is a yes and knowing in your gut that you don’t trust the person – how could you lie to yourself to say that this is a person who truly cares about you.

I will soon be developing a 2-part blog series that talks about 1) The Art of Dating and 2) The Art of The Break-up.  I don’t want to leak concepts too early, but I think at this point that its safe to say that if you ask questions that have yes or no answers you are able to more quickly assess whether you are in a situation with a person that is either to your favor or to your detriment.

The other important factor in formulating the question is that the basis of the question should not be based on the other person’s perceived feelings, but based on your own.  For instance, many women ask the question “do I really feel in my heart that he truly loves me??”  Well, although the question subconsciously positions it to appear to be an assessment of your feelings – it’s very clearly an assessment for your perspective of his feelings for you.  The importance of asking these questions is to get an understanding on how you feel about the situation or the man you are with to determine whether he truly “cares” about you or whether he doesn’t.  I can’t define what “care” means to the letter because it’s a relative term for everybody.  I can say however that there are a lot of men who may feel that they earnestly love you, but they really operate in a manner that would reflect that they don’t care about you.

If you have read all that I’ve written and you read that last statement to then ask “how is it that you can love somebody and treat them like you don’t care” then you are definitely in the “business of understanding” which is a painful and bitter business.  I would definitely advise anyone to move out of the business of understanding to the business of sorting, by which you make the assessment, understand what the situation REALLY is and then move accordingly.

Some people may say that this business of sorting sounds way too mechanically and emotionally removed for it to be something that women can do with success and I would strongly disagree.  First of all, the formula for the approach that I’m giving does two things instantly that benefit women.  The first thing that it does is that it changes the nature of the question being asked from an emotional one in nature to a factual one in nature.  Again, “why does he do what he does” is an emotionally charged question versus “does he take the approach to me that I feel best serves my direction in life” is a fact-based question, if the answer is no – its more fact based than emotion (it could also involve emotions like disappointment or other things that come along with the feelings of being an adult that are totally inescapable.)

All of this may seem like an oversimplification of some very complex emotions and situations, but it is we as humans that can tend to over-analyze and over-engineer situations when there are often times processes and signs that are provided for us to elevate our capacity to cope and progress to another level.  The people that are truly successful at anything are the ones that have developed the regimens and the discipline to apply in their field of endeavor.  The same is true in relationships.  In order to be successful there is an emotional-mastery that must be attained in order to comfortably withstand the frustrations/disappointments and then contribute to the successes/positive discoveries.

“The Ugly Truth About Men” is that regardless of whether women come across a good one that cares, a good one who doesn’t care or one who doesn’t give a damn – the woman can’t give her power away and become the victim in the face of situations that require more awareness on her part.  There are winners (i.e. gentlemen, wonderful women, etc.) and losers (i.e. gold-diggers, jerks, etc.) on both sides of the sexes-coin, so it is inevitable that everyone will encounter misfortune, broken hearts, dishonesty and less than stellar behavior on both sides.  Understand that the man who doesn’t care truly doesn’t care.  That’s not something to debate, to try to conform or transform – its something to recognize.

That’s all sorting is, recognition.  I am addressing the men who care and the women who care because there are enough out there who when armed with the best approach to a healthy relationship will do the best thing that they could ever do – be an example to those that don’t think that its possible.  We are a people of osmosis and environment – we are heavily influenced by what we see and what we experience.  With that in mind the only reality that we are fully able to guide is our own reality.

I was discussing this topic with my good friend and frat brother Teddy Gilmore and he pointed out that there is also another distinction that there are some men who are capable of caring, its just that they don’t care about all women in the same manner or to the same degree – it’s a case by case basis.  I felt that this was a very important distinction because as insensitive as this may sound to some women, the fact is that this “case by case” assessment is applicable to women as well.  There are many cases where women date and they will not apply the same level of effort, understanding and dedication in one situation as they will the next.  The chief difference is that there are times when women based on their feelings or at other times based on “being wooed”, become more engaged in the person that they are dating.

Although the specifics may vary by the sexes and definitely vary from person to person, its important to understand that this notion of caring or when to care needs to be processed by an approach and set of questions that empower you with a “position of knowing” as opposed to frustrate you with the desire to understand.  Remember, knowing that someone doesn’t have your best interest in mind is far more important than understanding why they don’t have your best interest in mind.  Spend your time with questions of knowing, not with questions of understanding.

In my effort to share my thoughts on relationships or just life in general I will always make the attempt to create a dual-pronged approach for both sexes to be aware of things in their behavior that when addressed would be a benefit to everyone.  With that in mind, I ask women to be more conscious of the “why is it that men” type of questions that are either voiced or even thought about.  That is not to say that these are not legitimate questions to consider or that they can’t be applied to women as well.  It is to say that asking the “why” based questions to a body of non-respondent people is not a good use of time, effort or energy – I don’t do it, as it relates to the men that don’t care, and I would strongly suggest that women let it go as well.

Much love and take care of one another – “we all we got”…VA

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24 Responses to “The “Ugly” Truth About Men – What Women Should Really Ask Themselves…”

  1. BeFlyKitty Says:

    Mr. Adams…
    I greatly appreciate your input into this “man Vs woman” thing.
    its refreshing to know that …tho there are few of you ….there are you out there.
    You never know where your relvalations will come from….understanding that theres a lession to learn in EVERYTHING….and understanding this will not just benifet you but others around …you aswell. Love lust passion thos are very great bedfellows in the rite situation with the rite person….
    We as a whole need to understand that we cant be everything to everybody…and this includes your man/woman.
    A very good friend of mine reminded me that “if you dont know how to LOVE yourself how can you LOVE ANYBODY?”
    The hardest thing is to be good to yourself…put you first…your desires passions lust…when ur good the whole world is gravy.
    Thank you again sir….i trully appreciate you.
    BeFly

  2. FANTASTIC post!! I’ve often been accused of being “manish” in the way I deal with relationships, but I really think it’s because I do take a more analytical approach to viewing and solving problems (I also get accused of “lawyering” people).

    I can’t stand conversations about feelings and emotions without asking, and answering, the ultimate question of what does it actually mean in terms of ACTION going forward. I’ve had SO many discussions where my guy expresses that he’s upset with something I’ve done, but when I ask if that means that he wants me to stop or change my actions, he gets more upset and tells me I’m missing the point, which I really don’t understand.

    Whenever people complain about a person and/or situation, when they’ve finished their rant I always ask “So what are you going to DO about it?” If you’re not going to act upon it, quit complaining & lamenting.

    I will DEFINITELY add you to my blogroll. You speak my language.

  3. Well said…I happen to be a man that cares, yet I would certainly have to agree with your frat brother that I haven’t cared about every woman I’ve dated! Keep up the good “long a$$” blogs 🙂

  4. Dre Horton Says:

    “…the woman can’t give her power away and become the victim in the face of situations that require more awareness on her part.”

    Well said! I encourage women to really think about this. No disrespect to the fellas, but in my personal opinion women hold all the cards in this game we play. We are so powerful, and we abdicate that power almost always too quickly because we don’t realize how much we hold. My friends who mourn the loss of “relationships” that were hopeless from the beginning don’t understand that they had the power to chart the course from the beginning, if only they would be real about what they wanted and what the dude was actually giving them. Stop romanticizing fickle behavior and get real about what is going on! When you do that, you are switching the dynamic and giving Mr. Fickle the power. My mom used to say “you gotta believe fat meat is greasy.” Like you said last blog, once he shows you who he is either accept it for what it is or press on.
    Dating and relationships are not easy. Sometimes women are so pressed to make a fit when there just isn’t one. It is hard to find someone with whom you have sexual chemistry and a shared value system and vision. Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t happen with every guy you date, but sort effectively and most of all BELIEVE IT IS THERE!!!
    Good stuff VA!
    -Andrea

  5. GREAT assessment Big Bro. I believe you’ve hit the nail on the head. This is such a tough issue because it forces the woman to deal with herself (when directing questions inward) and to deal with reality (when the question is fact-based and not emotionally driven). There are so many factors that allow a person to either care or not care (emotional state, relationship history, employment, finances, etc…) that this conversation will continue to be held until the end of time.

    I know I typically don’t respond since I tend to think quite a bit like you do, but I must say GREAT JOB. Keep them coming. I know you’ll get your point across to somebody even if it’s one person at a time. LOVE YOU.

  6. Chontei Driver Says:

    I justed SORTED thru this LONG ASS BLOG and it was EXCELLENT! You did a great job at breaking down the man/woman issues. Thanks for the RELATIONSHIP 101 class PROFESSOR VA. I am sitting in the front row of the class now and just placed an apple on your desk……….CYD

  7. I think u said it best we are all human beings, who control our own destiny, and if we dont love ourselves first, u cant have a true, real realtionship with anybody… People feed off knowing that ur weak, that gives them all the control. So like u said if u better assest that person with the quetions of asking who is this person, and how well he can accomdate me my feelings and goals in life, and not having that gut feeling of who he is and why he does things and acts this way as the relationship, progresses. Then you should blame yourself for not doing this in the begging. I say love Urself first and the rest will fall in place… Looking forward to the next blog….

  8. Wow… I must admit I have truly been educated after reading this. While reading I realized that I was in the business of “understanding”… I’m a VERY attractive female with a GREAT heart and good head on my shoulders, but obviously in the wrong business. Lol. You know they say if you know better, you’ll do better… With this is mind I most definitely plan to delete ALL why questions in regards to relationships out of my head. As you mentioned, it doesn’t even matter why. I am so grateful for your blog today and moreover thankful to JGill1 for sharing it with all woman. Stay blessed man. 1

  9. This post was very well written. I rather enjoyed reading this blog. Very different from the other BS blogs on relationships I’ve steered away from. I will express and agree that there are few guys “who actually care”, me being one “who cares” I could identify with EVERYTHING stated and expressed. I feel the main problem is distinguishing or “sorting” which man cares and which one doesnt. I can not tell you how many times the man who “actually” cares gets looked over or is unappreciated! This realization ALWAYS comes when its really TOO LATE! Creating a series of things for women/men to think about is key and I feel you’ve touched some very good issues. Keep reaching out to your target audience and hopefully the tides will change.

    @Beflykitty: “if you dont know how to LOVE yourself how can you LOVE ANYBODY?” The hardest thing is to be good to yourself…put you first…your desires passions lust…when ur good the whole world is gravy.

    I totally agree with this statement/question. It is essential to fully understand and LOVE yourself FIRST! Only then can you fully understand and LOVE someone else.

    @Anesidora Actions stem from many converstions. Understanding that/those conversation about such things can lead to other ACTIONS. Expression is the greatest form of commmunication. Without the understanding of feelings and emotions how can you expect growth from your relationship?!

  10. Great Post!

  11. Hey VA,

    Glad I got the chance to read this blog. Very perceptive, insightful and honest. I can appreciate the focus you placed on asking the right questions. You know when someone is a good writer when they challenge you as the reader to re-evaluate your own concepts. Keep up the ” dual-pronged approach” blogs 🙂 Be well!

    -Cat

  12. Very insightful blog. I have to say I was quite impressed. I found the link from my cousin’s tweet and was compelled to finish reading before I walked in my office for work! I agree wholeheartedly with your reasoning on the Men and Women topic and “Why we ask why”. My personal opinion is that by experience, growing and knowing yourself, that is truly what brings you to “understanding” relationships. We are of a different making and always will be. A lot of women don’t seem to understand that. Being a self proclaimed single, good woman with a lot to offer in an adult relationship, I too have asked “why” many times when it comes to that fork in the road of a relationship. The light finally came on in my head when I realized that asking those “why” questions only got me to the beginning of the circle again. lol…women have to actively and consciously work at not analyzing everything, its our true making. So…I try to look in myself and do only what I think is right and true in the progression of whatever relationship I choose. I thank you for putting your true and honest words out there, hopefully it will open the minds of many women and men and we can maybe find the clarity we all need. Props, peace and blessings to you and yours. You seem like an intelligent brotha! :o)

  13. Ahhhh, another refreshing post from a brotha that takes time to really engage in thought provoking discussions about relationships. Enjoyed as usual:)

  14. Hey V.A…Great Blog. I want to comment on something regarding young ladies in relationships. I myself, talk with young ladies in the Hispanic decent from the younger generation in my family. We have a problem in our family history Hispanic, Black, we are repeating History and not growing in a strong positive way of knowing How and What to look for in Men. They “settle” for what ever type and kind of man walks in front of them. As they have been around their parents, some from broken relationships, abusive relationships, physical and mental and drugs. They have been raised in that enviorment. Their parents did not change or better the situation, so for that reason the young ladies grew up with that mentality that, that is what a man is. There has been no guidance, nor therapy, or counsling to help and teach our young ladies to grow and learn to love themself first and to know What a healthy relationship consits of. They learn only one way-the way their parents handled relationships and their parents and so on. It is very unfortunate that they have an opportunity to experience a positive and different direction in their journey of life. That is why we have babies having babies and grandparents before the age of 40. History repeating itself. We need to STOP and make a difference and TEACH our young ladies and men. That is what I do with our young generation today is guide, talk, listen and support. For I know I was once a young lady making mistakes and wrong choices because that is what I saw go on around me, untill I started reaching out for help because I saw a positive relationship and wanted to learn how to have that for myself…..Much love V.A, Mary Gee

  15. BeFlyKitty – thank you for reminding us that these questions should come from a place of love. Loving yourself is a hard concept for a lot of people. It sounds narcissistic to so many. People who find themselves caught in the “wooing” or the grand gestures of love are masking the basic components of a relationship in what, to me, seems akin to someone who puts on too much cologne cuz they didn’t shower. Eventually, the funk sneaks out somewhere. I am not saying that you shouldn’t make those gestures, but we should be asking those questions – and not feel like we’re undermining love because we ask those questions – repeatedly – over the course of a relationship. People change. Relationships change. And those who are willing to enter into the “unrational extension of commitment” [otherwise known as I stayed for 8 when I shoulda left after 4 phase] frequently only ask “why”. And only look at the surface. Rarely do they look into their own hearts and minds and decide if a relationship is good for THEM as an individual – regardless of the benefits it might have for the other person involved.
    VA – kudos for writing this. If you need any data on that “Art of the Breakup” blog – holla at me. 🙂

  16. Ok, so yes, this too was a “long ass blog” but it was well worth the 5 hours it took me to read it, as I always gain some sort of insight from them. 🙂

    Anywho, let me start by saying that I’m glad you clarified why your posts are primarily focused on/toward women as it pertains to relationships; the examples you used of the various media outlets and their “market niche” definitely made the point crystal clear.

    I also saw the movie with two friends of mine, one of which was a guy. He felt the male’s point of view in the movie was pretty accurate as it relates to thoughts and behaviors. Men are simple, clear cut creatures for the most part, while women on the other hand are generally the ones who complicate things. I have to admit, that as a woman, this is often times true. I believe that we as women would make things so much easier for ourselves if we were more introspective in all aspects of our lives, of course relationships included. So many of us tend to look outside of ourselves for fulfillment, joy, acceptance, etc. and in the end, we end up disappointed, disillusioned and short-changed because we’ve rushed into something that we thought would make us happy, and the end result usually is confusion (i.e. a more complicated issue). I think establishing a habit of self-assessment would save women a lot of heartache in the long run. Asking the right questions, especially if they’re of yourself definitely leads to understanding, which in a sense leads to freedom. Freedom to discover who you truly are, what you want and to attract the type of life/love that you want for yourself.

  17. Milo Edwards Says:

    Damn that was long, lol. I love what you’re doing Vince! My answer isn’t specific to any particular judgement or idea in the writing but it points to the big picture in my mind and I felt a need to address the big picture.

    We as men and women period have to realize we all want love. If we go about our lives loving unconditionally, not expecting anything in return, we’ll project love and receive self satisfaction and promote happiness. You must have faith the divine spirit is going to return love to you 10 fold. If we all gave the love we desired to receive in return we’d live a more emotionally balanced satisfying life.

    People should stop focusing on the specific selfish issues and become selfless and compassionate. Surrender your self, your ego and desires and love unconditionally. You’ll project a light that shines so bright within you everyone will see your glow.

    See the big picture, not the shallow, selfish existence of your wants! Sitting around judging others and saying they’re this or that! What are you? Who are you? What are you doing to make a difference? What behavioral changes are you going to make to make a difference? How are you going to change the world around you?

    Love is free, natural and inherent to nature! Choose unconditional love and watch the nonsense disappear! Love, hate or anger can’t occupy the same space. Choose Love!

  18. Milo Edwards Says:

    Thanks for the detail in your writing and breaking it all the way down! It’s well written, thought out and laid out. Thank you for being you!

  19. Great work Vince! Your blog is compelling, yet sensible and insightful. I love it!!

    🙂 Chinita

  20. Vince, what can I say? You did it again! Your relationship blogs are extremely insightful. The clarity, honesty, and directness set them apart from many other articles I’ve read. This one is very much to the point and leaves virtually no room for doubt. I’m in complete agreement with the fact that women tend to ask the wrong questions. The fact that we are grossly unfulfilled in relationships and “he” is doing nothing about it should be reason enough to “sort”…..who cares “why”….keep it moving and KNOW that there is someone out there for you who will love and respect you–just as you love and respect yourself!

  21. James Hannah Says:

    Great blog, Vince. The truth is… Men are simple. Women make us complicated.

  22. It amazes me as I read this that as men and women the most simplistic emotion is the most complicated.

    I mean think about it, there are thousands of books, blogs and information that tell us how to “get the person we want”.

    The truth for me..I attract what it is I am. It always goes back to being true to yourself whether it is lust or love, why front we are grown.

    As we get older and we get in and out of relationships, really we need to step back and ask ourselves “how did I contribute to this relationship ending, what can I learn”. Its the perfect opportunity to take stock of ones self and grow. It will help you define what it is you want whether its a lover or the love of your life. Recognize and be true to what it is you want at this time in your life.

    When we meet someone new, who wants to pretend to be something there not? We dont realize the beautiful souls we are inside and out and Im not just speaking to the ladies it goes for both men and women. So if you take stock of yourself, grow and evolve..you are able to see the bullshit miles away, again it all goes back to what stage you are in your life and what you are looking for. Keep it real.

    Keep it simple people, dont get caught up in planning the future after a couple of great dates, take the time to get to know the person..like I said love or lust..it really is that simple to just be you…
    .

  23. Hi Va

    Just had a chance to read this one and as usual your insight is on point!!!

    I must say a gentlemen’s perspective is always welcoming….you hit on some key areas that I found myself pondering upon insightfully and especially the self-assessment of ourselves instead of others helps grasp a better perspective of self which is a never ending process to the divine universal gateway of life!!!

    Execellent keep up the dialogue!!!!!!

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